Remembering Isabella
by DreamCatching
Summary: Trauma caused Bella to forget her dark past. Meeting Edward triggers her memories as they begin to form a bond during their search for history that was kept secret from them both. ExB, AH, M for later content and dark themes – no rape or self harm. OOC
1. A Change In Pace

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. That belongs to Stephenie Meyer. And if you didn't know this already, then I don't know why you are looking at this page...**

**_Remembering Isabella_**

**Summary: ****There's a reason we block out the past, but what is that reason? And how long will it be until you remember? When Bella meets Edward, something about him begins to trigger flashbacks that help her to figure out the past that she so easily forgot. But some memories aren't meant to be remembered, because they are the memories that scar us for life.  
****It's harder to remember than forget...**

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**BPOV:**

The day I woke up to brilliant vivid shining lights, the strong intoxicating smell of bleach, plain white walls and matching bed covers and with a sustained mind numbing beeping ringing through my ears, I _knew_ something was wrong.

This wasn't my home; it wasn't anyone else's home. This was a ward. A ward in a hospital that I'd ended up in for some strange reason that I couldn't remember, but the bandage I found on one of my arms and the heavy, dizzy feeling I felt in my head told me that there was something worse going on with _my_ body and brain than the body belonging to the doctor standing next to my bed.

He was dressed in all the overalls as if ready to grab his blades and make an incision in my head, pull out my brain and take a look at how well I'd pull through whatever it was had happened. But thankfully, and not surprisingly, he didn't. Instead he just ticked boxes and wrote notes on me, once in a while glancing up through his spectacles as if to fill in such details as 'what colour hair', and he also took notes on the annoying beeping electric box sitting next to my bed. Stupid box, all smug and looking after my life for a while, making me uncomfortable with it's long octopus tentacles that attached to certain points on my body to measure my 'progress'.

I wasn't insane, just a little uncomfortable and annoyed at the fact that I couldn't move across the room and out the door without the electric octopus box bleating in a frenzy about not being linked to me and the fact that I didn't even know why I was here. I felt like a mental patient, honestly that's all I can relate it to – Everyone telling you to rest and take it easy as if you _were_ insane and forgot to do these things when in a hospital and the nurses asking you if you remember your name, age and how many pets you have. Easy! Isabella Swan aged seventeen with no pets and never had any at all.

Of course, I _thought_ it was easy. I was the one on the edge of insanity sat on my bed all forgetful about half my life whilst the doctors gave me pained looks and treated me like a fragile ornament. My moms face said it all though, the wide open mouth and horror filled expression at me slipping up somewhere in my answers. I couldn't understand though, I'd answered the question correct…hadn't I?

My mom and I shared one of those knowing looks then. The type of look that after you share it you know that life is going to change after the situation and you know that your mom is thinking something heartbreaking and wrong – Something that you couldn't imagine her ever thinking in the first place. I must have _really_ slipped up in my answers.

That look half prepared me for when I got out of hospital.

Finding my moms car outside in the parking lot and sitting in the front seat, my head dizzy with loss and lack of memory of the interior and smelly pine tree that dangled from the front mirror. I didn't remember any of this, but that was because I had suffered from memory loss after an accident that the hospital had left my mom to talk to me about. Oh I just couldn't wait to hear about it.

My mom climbed in through the driver's door and gave me that look again before twisting the keys in the ignition and reversing out to join a building queue of traffic, following them along the road until it forked out in two directions. I knew this road, it was just a few blocks down from my moms house, her friend lived somewhere along here with their dog that liked to tackle me whenever we went there. Yeah, I remembered, see I couldn't have been _that_ bad.

When we got home, my mom looked…afraid. She got out the car and walked around my side to open the door for me. I got out and stood next to her, trying to follow her gaze to see what she was so scared about or what had caught her attention. Nothing about our street seemed daunting or scary. It was just as normal as ever. Well, except for the fact that there were flowers in the next door neighbour's garden now and a big fat gnome with a wheel barrow where there used to be the remains of a scarecrow.

We went inside, my mom locking the door behind us and pulling out my chair for me to sit on, her arms dithering pathetically at her sides as she tried to pour herself a cup of coffee, only pouring me a glass of water from the tap. She then took a seat opposite me, staring into her coffee mug for a while, leaving me to take in the surroundings of home, or at least what had changed about it.

The walls were dull and the wallpaper was thinning, peeling away as if someone had disagreed to the colour and angrily pulled it away from the walls, the couch across the room, opposite the large flat screen that looked so out of place, had a large indent in the cushioning where someone had obviously spent too much time there. Beer cans were littered over the coffee table by the couch and flat screen along with fast food boxes and wrappings that were plagued across the floor there. The kitchen area was better, a little piece of heaven in the house, all bright and clean, glistening – just how my mom loved her kitchen to be, just how it had always been.

"Isabella," my mom's voice was hoarse. She took another sip of coffee to calm the ache in her throat as I tore my gaze from the kitchen to look at her. "Would you understand if I told you that I don't want you to know what happened to you? Because, for one I don't think I could bring myself to tell you. Two, I don't want you to be dragged down by your past. And three, I don't want the past to scare you. Can you understand that?"

What was she saying? That I was to just go along in life not knowing why I couldn't remember half of it before I was seventeen, but be cool with it too? Was she insane or was I just hearing things wrongly now? This was like one big screwed up nightmare day.

"Bella, this is for nothing but your own good. I want you to go and write like you always wanted to. I want you to go and become that grown up writer that mommy will be proud of. If I told you about why you can't remember it all then it may help you move forward easier? The stuff you don't remember, you haven't remembered it for a good reason. I wish I could have the same advantage as you do."

She was confusing me, my head aching in so much pain, but I nodded anyway, agreeing to let it go. I was certain I could find out later if needs be. If I remembered the basics then surely I could forget about it, move on. My mum had mentioned it being an advantage that I'd forgotten, and my mom wouldn't lie to me.

I sat in silence for a while, trying to remember basic information that I'd need to get through my life without the block in my memory affecting me. My best friend was Sally. Who _could_ forget her? With her long golden brown plaits and her huge smile that lit up the room. She was great and I'd known her since I was young, when we'd ride our bikes together down the road and across the dirt path where all the older kids would go, thinking that we were so big and cool. And on Wednesday nights I'd go to hers to study and sometimes we would do our school project together and put together presentations.

If I could remember that much detail on other things, then I was okay, right? Or not…

"Bella, I'm sending you away to live with Charlie." Charlie – he was my dad, _I think_. "You need a clean break and to get away from all this at home. The opportunities in Forks are better for you and everything is ready for you as soon as you get there. Honey, I know this may be confusing for you right now, but it'll all be okay. It'll be great! You'll love it there once you are settled."

I remembered those last words from my mom as I sat in Charlie's police car, driving down a tree surrounded road in the wet clouded over place that is Forks. I kept telling myself that this was for the best, because that was what I was told. And when you can't remember much, that's the best thing to do, believe your mom is telling you what is best and following what they think is best for you. Most of the time, although as a kid you hate to say it, moms are usually right and I had a good feeling that this time she was more right than I ever remember her being.

The first night staying with Charlie was okay, we didn't talk much, but he wasn't a big talker. He kept giving me scared glances across the table as we ate the meal I'd cooked him. I was pretty proud of remembering how, to be honest – even I thought it looked complicated as I put the ingredients in the pan, but my hands seemed to guide the way around the kitchen, instinctively knowing what to do.

When I went upstairs to go to bed, Charlie called a goodnight from the couch as he watched a game. I called goodnight back and found my way to my room where I remembered it being. I used to come here in the summers as a kid. Everything was still in place, just how I liked it. Charlie hadn't touched a thing.

In the morning I had school, so Charlie knocked at my door to wake me and I fumbled around in the darkness of my room, feeling groggy and unwell. My head still ached and the bandage on my arm covered up the itch that I so desperately wanted to get to. Stupid hospital restraints they put on you. I was just not in the mood that morning, but I did somehow manage to get ready and presentable for my first day at Forks High School. Well, presentable as possible when feeling like the dirt caught in a car wheel.

Charlie had bought me a truck to welcome me to Forks, which I was highly grateful for, but he still insisted on driving me to school and picking me up for the first few days. I didn't complain, knowing that I'd probably crash that truck from lack of attention due to a throbbing head.

I took my medication out of my bag on the way to school and popped two pills, like instructed, into my mouth before swigging a drink of water from the bottle I'd put in my bag this morning. They tasted disgusting, but I was hopeful that they'd do the trick, if anything.

I waved goodbye to Charlie and made my way into school to get my schedule and a map of the school which helped me to locate my first lesson – English. I pulled up my hood and made my way there, managing to get a few glances and 'oh my, you are Chief Swan's daughter!' type of reactions. Yeah, I am – thanks for pointing that out as if I wouldn't remember anything. Oh wait, I don't remember much, so they were half way there.

I managed to survive until lunch, which was good. A girl called Alice was in my Spanish and Trig class so she offered for me to sit with her at lunch. She was like a pixie as she skipped into the canteen, pulling my hand to lead me into the lunch queue. We both got our lunch on a tray, mine only consisting of an apple and juice box – my stomach still felt queasy. Alice then led me over to her table, making me sit right next to her as if I was her new toy and she wouldn't let me out of her site.

"Do you like it here so far?" She smiled and took a bite out of her apple, cocking her head to the side slightly. "It's not the best of weathers, but we make do. You should get yourself a raincoat by the way. I saw you this morning when you got out of your truck and you were soaked within five seconds." She giggled and then a frown spread across her face. "You don't talk much, huh?"

"Sorry, I was just…I don't know," I laughed and she smiled at that, so I carried on. "It's cold here too. How long have you lived here?"

"Not too long, just around two years? We had to move here because of my dads work – my brother Edward and I. He usually sits with us, but he's ill at the moment, came down with a nasty cold bug after we went on a camping trip at the weekend."

"Oh, that sounds nasty."

"He'll get through it. He's strong. You'll probably like him, everyone else seems to, I can't quite figure out why though, he can be a right pain in the ass sometimes." She giggled again and took another bite of her apple, breaking the skin and crunching away.

We sat alone at the table whilst other people filed in, taking seats and getting their lunch, all looking busy and so aware of everything, knowing everyone, even knowing me. And I hadn't even spoken to the majority of them. I watched as a blonde girl walked in, earning wolf whistles from a few guys at the far table as she made her way straight over to us. My initial reaction was that she looked intimidating, being so stunning and perfect, but when she smiled and Alice smiled back, I figured that there wasn't much to be scared of.

She took a seat and turned to me, "Hey! Oh, you are the new kid Isa-"

"Bella, Rose. It's just Bella," Alice smiled knowingly. "It's like people calling you Rosalie all the time. You know its cooler when it's shorter. Just like a dress, nobody wears ankle length dresses anymore and you know it!"

"Whoa. Alice. Cool it," we all laughed at Alice's ranting and then Rosalie turned to me. "Sorry Bella. And sorry about Alice, she's weird and can relate anything to clothes."

"It's alright," I laughed.

Rosalie took the second apple from Alice's plate that I'd been wondering about and ate it without a complaint from Alice; it was obviously for Rose in the first place. They both seemed to just gaze off into space for a while, not really feeling the need to talk or just not knowing what to talk about. Alice had already asked the basics such as where I was from, why I had a bandage on my arm, my birthday, my favourite hobby etc. And Rose probably didn't feel the need to ask. Maybe she just knew that I'd been asked it all before and would get info from Alice later. Or maybe she just wasn't bothered.

When two boys walked into the canteen, one big and stocky with dark hair and the other thinner, but toned and with blonde hair, both girls let out a sigh, resting their chins on their palms, their elbows leaning on the table.

"Feast your eyes on that man candy," Alice sighed. "He's just so gorgeous."

"You can say that again Alice," Rose agreed.

"Hey!" Alice slapped her arm playfully, "I meant Jasper!"

"Well I meant Emmett!"

Confused, I decided to break into the conversation. "But who is who?"

"Well," Alice said in a tone that could only mean she was going to dive into a full on explanation. "Jasper is the better looking one. Ow! Rosalie!" She growled as Rose kicked her under the table and fired her a dirty look, but allowed her to carry on. "As I was saying, Jasper is…the one with the beautiful blonde hair and the well structured face. _He_ plays guitar and is just so talented that any woman is bound to just drop to their knees for him, _begging_ to be his or for him to just kiss their hand. Oh, and he wears sunglasses a lot, but he's cool – definitely a charmer."

If she had been talking about Jasper before I'd seen him then I would've imagined someone else. Sure, Jasper was hot and good looking and I wouldn't mind if he was interested in me – but he wasn't my type. But it seemed as though Alice was head over heels for him.

"Whereas Emmett," Rosalie broke in, smiling wildly, "Is the handsome, dark haired and well toned one. He could whoop Jaspers ass any day. He is particularly good at anything sport related and has been known to have taken a certain someone on a date in the past," she smiled so proudly that nobody could doubt that she was referring to herself.

"They both seem pretty cool," I smiled politely.

"Cool?!" Alice gasped in horror. "They are more than cool! They are flaming hot men with a passion for more than just girls, porn and sex! They are hot, decent, lovely…Oh, so lovely men."

"Agreed!" Rosalie smiled, high fiving her best friend.

Well, at least they were decent guys that didn't just try and get you in bed.

"How come you've never dated Jasper, Alice?" I asked curiously.

Alice just stared at me in a 'you should know' way, but the truth is…I didn't know. I didn't know a thing about dating besides the fact that when you like someone you generally ask them out.

"Don't be so _silly_ Bella," Alice laughed and then frowned sadly, shaking her head, "I'm way out of his league and everyone knows it. Plus, it'd be embarrassing to get turned down by one of your brother's best mates and the hottest guy in the school."

Alice's comment earned her another kick from Rosalie under the table.

"Oh. So do they both sit here usually?"

Both Rosalie and Alice nodded, smiling broadly.

"We get to feast our eyes on their hotness up close at lunch time, every lunch time, and of every school day. Honestly, it's the only reason I'm still hanging around this school," Rosalie smirked.

"How come they aren't sitting with you today?" I asked, watching the two boys walking out from the lunch queue and back out of the canteen, not holding trays but, just taking bites out of the fruit they'd picked up, as they walked.

"It's a Monday. Monday means soccer practice," Rosalie sighed. "I _hate_ Mondays."

Charlie was there in his police car after school, drawing me more attention than I really needed at the time as I walked over to the passenger door. Some kids called out to notify me, yet again, that I was Chief Swan's daughter and some smart-ass' made a siren noise as I opened the door and climbed in, which seemed to irritate Charlie more than me.

"Good day?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said without really thinking. "Yeah, it was thanks."

Because, that was the best day I could actually remember that was recent that _was_ good. I had made two funny friends that had helped me to maintain a normal, standard school day for a seventeen year old, gawking at boys, discussing girly topics, laughing at embarrassing tales. And I hadn't once thought about life at home or why I was in Forks instead of at home in Phoenix. I hadn't even thought about Sally, which made me feel slightly guilty.

When I got home I went straight to my room, sitting at the desk and working through an assignment that I'd been given that day, managing to get a fair way through before I decided to go down to make Charlie and myself some dinner. I didn't know how he'd made it through life before I got here. He could barely cook, but I didn't mind. Cooking took my mind off things and it made me feel better, plus it was a way to say thanks to Charlie for letting me live here with him to help me move on in life.

I made our dinner and we sat and ate it quietly, not really finding the need to fill the silences with random conversation. Then I returned to my room to continue with the assignment which I managed to complete by the end of the evening, giving me a clear head and feeling tired as I climbed into bed, surrounding myself in warmth as I drifted off to sleep.

**EPOV:**

Fucking colds. You think you are as healthy as a fruit and then suddenly you go rotten. Rotten fruit, that's what I felt like. I constantly held a tissue to my nose and was having to consume at least a pint of water an hour to keep my throat from aching unbearably.

Ill – I hated the word. It was weak, feeble, everything I didn't want to be, yet I was.

I found myself wallowing in self pity most of the time and just lying on the sofa, too weak to do anything. I was too tired to be awake, but too awake to be able to fall asleep. I was drifting through an agonising state of conscious and unconscious as I lay and stare at my ceiling, following the patterns with my eyes and smiling to myself at the little amusement I had. I was so bored, but nobody was here to even talk to me. Carlisle, my dad, was at work in the hospital, Esme, my mom, was at the nursery teaching kids how to count to five and my sister, Alice, was attending school, the place I wanted to be.

Now don't get me wrong, school was a pain and not the most fun of things, but I'd rather be Alice at school, socialising, having fun or learning, than Edward at home with a cold, sore throat and only having mind numbing telly and ceiling patterns as amusement. How was I supposed to know I'd get so ill after one measly camping trip that I'd been taking on a regular basis since I was little? My mom thought it was because I didn't drink enough water. Thanks mom, blame it on the only drink I _do_ drink. Sometimes it's almost like people just have to find something to blame – anything. Even water.

When Alice got home I grabbed my tissue box and wrapped a blanket around me like a cape before descending down the stairs to see her and ask about school.

"Ew!" She exclaimed, stepping away from me as I stretched my arms out to hug her, looking like Frankenstein trying to be Superman as I wobbled towards her laughing. "Get away from me! You are a disgusting, human, freak! If you even touch this shirt I will kill you before any illness even got the chance!"

I laughed and gave in, letting a yawn overtake my body for a while as she slammed the front door and trudged over to the couch.

"Seriously Edward, I do not want that cold."

"Sorry Alice, I just wanted to say hello." Then I pulled that smooth move that Alice was weak for. The innocent puppy eyes and frown that made her little sturdy steel heart melt into mush and caused her to feel bad for whatever it is she had done. "Edward," she dragged out the d so it sounded whiney and annoying, making me hate my name whilst she did this. "Don't pull that face on me."

With that she walked over and hugged me, her short height only allowing her arms to wrap around my waist. The hug didn't last for any longer than two seconds though, she was out of my arms and across the room quickly, coughing and spraying the air with body spray as if it were her wall of protection, her own brand of pepper spray against the evil of colds and coughs.

Once she'd passed her overdramatic phase in the corner of the room she went and got me a drink of water and herself a drink of juice before sitting on the chair opposite the couch I sat on, keeping a fair distance.

"The new girl is sitting at out table by the way," she smiled at me happily.

"The new girl?"

"Yeah, Chief Swan's daughter."

"Oh, right. Her." Because _everyone_ knew of her, not being sarcastic, but it was true. Charlie thought highly of her and as soon as he got the phone call, the whole of Forks was informed. Not intentionally, but Chief Swan just couldn't stop talking to people about it whilst he was at work and the people he told passed it on etcetera. It was quite an event in Forks, the land of the rain and miserable weather, to get a new person moving here. Not many people were eager to.

"What is she like?" I asked out of pure curiosity, because if she was anything like Rose or Alice, well…Let's just say there's only so much a guy can take on the subject of shopping, hot guys, fashion, girl topics and more shopping at lunch times.

"She seems pretty cool," okay, good start. "She wouldn't tell me why she is here though – she said that she'd rather not talk about it. Even has a broken arm, it's all plastered up. It makes you wonder doesn't it?"

I nodded, not really agreeing. If she didn't want to talk about it then so be it. It was her business, not mine, but of course Alice thought otherwise, she'd obviously want to know why. Not to gossip around, that wasn't what Alice was like, that was more like Jessica Stanley. But Alice could just be a bloody nosey cow at times. There was barely any privacy when it came to Alice and her friends.

"You know, it sounds like you've been smoking again. Your coughing _is_ pretty bad." There she goes, nosey little Alice trying to squirrel her way into your business. Of course, she knew a lot, way too much, but in her being so nosey I had learnt to work around it and stop her from figuring out stuff. I'd learnt the skill of lying.

"Have you started smoking again?" She didn't even dance around trying to guess, she just asked me flat out. Confident was a definite tick in Alice's personality boxes.

"No," _Lie_. "Why would I start again?"

And so the best way I've found with lying and Alice is to question her back, because it makes it sound like you are shocked that she'd think such a thing and it makes _her_ do the thinking instead of me stumbling around looking for a good excuse.

"I don't know," she shrugged lightly.

"See, I'm not that stupid," I laughed and finished my glass of water. "I'm going to go upstairs now, get another dose of sleep."

"Cool, okay." Alice smiled and skipped off to the kitchen whilst I climbed the stairs.

And guess what I did when I got into my room? I locked the door, swung open the windows and lit a cigarette, because to be honest, I needed one. The fear of being deprived of them again due to Alice's nosey manner was too strong and I needed to calm down before I slept.

Luckily my room overlooked the back of the house so if my mom or dad pulled up to the house they wouldn't see me smoking.

After a much needed cigarette and a cool breeze on my face, refreshing me but also making me get goose bumps and shake like a blender, I climbed into bed, aiming to be well enough to go to school tomorrow and meet this new kid.

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**A/N: Okay, so I know they haven't met yet, but they will soon. Edward is a bit dark in this story, which makes me squee. Sorry if the chapter was pretty long, the future chapters may end up the same way, but I hope that is cool with you guys? This is my first proper Fan Fiction and I made a video for it on YouTube too. (See my profile page for the link) New chapters should be up at least once a week or just as often as I can upload them. Reviews and PMs are greatly appreciated!**


	2. Bringing It Back

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight! It belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Remember this, because I'm not going to bother putting it on any more of my future chapters.**

**A/N: Where do I begin... Firstly, I am SO sorry I didn't update when I'd originally planned to. I wont go into detail or any huge ramble, because I expect you just want to read what is below, but there was a lag in the update due to a failure in my internet connection and a high pile up of ! Thank you so much to the great positive response I got for the first chapter. In all honesty, I wasn't even expecting one review or anyone to add this to an alert, let alone it already making its way onto quite a few favourite lists. It makes me get a huge happy feeling in my belly and keeps me smiling. You guys are awesome and I can only hope I live up to the first chapter with this one.**

**And I'll mention my third point in the second A/N.**

**So, let's go on with the show...**

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**Chapter 2**

**EPOV**

Fucking ten minutes is all I ask, but no, she comes storming into the room screaming profanities at me so fast that there was no chance in hell that I'd understand what she was saying. I had to move quickly to stub out my morning cigarette and act as if I was just looking out the window casually. Nice one Edward. Alice didn't seem to notice though, chucking an ironed shirt on the bed and then storming out in a fury.

Once the door had been slammed shut I went and grabbed the shirt Alice had ironed. For some strange reason she was in a hurry, but I didn't question it, it was her fault for making us later than usual. I could've coped wearing a creased shirt, but obviously that wasn't allowed.

Alice was waiting for me by the door, an annoyed expression written across her face and a glint in her eye that could only mean that I was walking a fine line. She held the keys to my Volvo in her hand; swinging them from side to side and making them do somersaults around her finger as a smirk arose on her face. Obviously there was some deal about to take place and knowing my luck, I'd be the one that gets the bad end of it.

"Bella's dad got called out early to work and won't let Bella drive alone for some reason, so she just called and asked if we'd pick her up. Now, seeing as you were late getting ready I think that you have to pay the price."

I rolled my eyes and held my hand out for the keys, a silent communication between me and Alice. It was as if we could read minds or just knew what each other would say or do. She smiled mischievously and threw me the keys before turning on me and opening the front door so we could walk out to the Volvo.

Alice sat in the passenger seat as we drove along the lanes. I didn't have a clue where I was steering, for all I knew this could be a set up to make me take her to a new shopping centre that they could've set up. But, thinking about it, Forks was in the middle of nowhere and the only business they'd ever get would be Rose and Alice who'd probably move in there, pitching a tent in the isle and live off the takeout restaurants whilst lathering their faces in make-up from cosmetics stores and becoming real life mannequins in the windows. The thought made me shiver.

"No!" Alice shouted out of nowhere as I swerved out the way of a deer in the road. "You should've taken a left. Oh, and Edward, try not to murder someone before we get to school."

I reversed back and took the correct turning, my hands tensing against the steering wheel in annoyance. She should've been paying attention to giving me directions instead of looking in her little compact and pouting away. She wanted to impress Jasper, not that she knew I was aware of this, but that was her aim. _Cool it_, I told myself, _she's just acting like a regular seventeen year old._

"That house there, where the red truck is parked," Alice told me whilst applying lip gloss, making the way she spoke sound distorted as she tried not to move her bottom lip. "I'll be back in a minute."

With that she hopped out the car door, all pixie-like. I watched as she skipped up to the front door and knocked twice, before I turned my head to focus on finding a CD to put on. I thumbed through the few that I'd actually bothered to put in the car and ended up picking out a disc that hadn't got a case. Figuring that random choice would be a fairer thing to do, I slid it into the CD player and clicked all the correct buttons, leaving the music at only a quiet level so It was peaceful and wouldn't be too upsetting to anyone he got in my car today. Next Alice would probably tell me to go and pick up Rose as well, but at that I would definitely put my foot down. She lived way too far from the school for me to bother spending petrol money on her.

I heard the click of the car door and sat fiddling with the CD player needlessly as Alice and her new friend Bella climbed in. I didn't bother turning round to have a good stare, to see how alike Rose and Alice she would be. I could just imagine it – a mix between the two. Instead I saved the uncomfortable glances and awkward smiles by just saying 'hi' and keeping my eyes on the road, letting my human map of Forks – Alice – direct the way to school from Bella's house.

Of course, I was so wrong about Bella that it put me to shame. Alice and Bella had already set off towards the school where Rose was standing casually, clicking away on her phone in the usual stance. Alice skipped along animatedly talking to a girl next to her – Bella. She wasn't like Alice or Rose at all. She was wearing jeans with a coat that wasn't fancy, but wasn't considered 'unfashionable' to Alice, and had a battered old back pack slung over her back. Her hair was brown and lay in dishevelled waves down her back, without the care of layers or fancy styles. I stared in shock as she walked along with Alice, from behind they just didn't look like the type of people that would stereotypically get on, but then again, that was my stereotypical ass talking.

"Edward!" I heard my name being called from behind me. "Finally off your death bed I see. Nice to see you back man."

I felt the impact of Emmett's hand on my back before I saw him. He pulled me into a bear hug and messed up my hair playfully, knowing fully well that I would go mad about it. I immediately brought my hands to my hair and fiddled with the strands to make it all fall back into place, whilst Emmett leant against my Volvo and laughed heartily.

"Got over the man flu?" Jasper asked as he closed the distance between where he had been – his guitar case over one shoulder that held his guitar. He joint Emmett by his side and threw me a smile that played upon the top right of his lip. It was his cheeky little way of showing that he was being sarcastic, but it was cute enough for the girls to let him get away with it.

I rolled my eyes and grabbed the tennis ball, that Jasper was chucking from hand to hand, away from him, launching it across the lot at Ben who immediately responded and caught it, earning a few deep manly cheers from surrounding students and a loud 'yeah Ben' of approval from Emmett.

After the mornings lessons it was lunch. I guess I'd see what this new Bella Swan was like. Kids were talking about her all across the school – she was the new kid, the new person to look at, the new face and personality, something that Forks sorely lacked. It caused great excitement for the students here, but for the new kid…not so much. I remembered when Alice and I first joined and the amount of people that would come up to us and talk to us as if they were our close friends was insane. It was a tight knitted place here.

Jasper and I walked into the canteen just behind Emmett who was flirting with Rosalie. Why couldn't the two just declare their secret love for each other and get on with it. It wasn't as if anyone _didn't_ know, well except each other it seemed.

I walked straight to the table with Jasper. We'd both taken in our own lunch today so there was no need to queue with the others. Jasper sat opposite me, spinning his bottle on the table as if we were going to play truth or dare. I sat with my back facing the lunch queue.

"Jeez, they might as well start raping each other on the middle of the canteen floor," Jasper mumbled deadpan as he looked over at the lunch queue. It was so randomly said that I couldn't help but laugh, almost making water from my drink squirt out of my nose. I guessed that he was talking about the bear and dolly of the school. That was my secret names for them. I had to resist the temptation of saying it out loud as funny as it would be.

"Seriously Edward, Emmett is pinching Rosalie's ass and everything, now he's putting one hand up her shirt on her stomach. And now–"

"–Okay! I get the picture. No more." I laughed, making Jasper snap out of his disgusted stare.

He apologised and started glaring around the canteen, analysing people probably, it's what he did best. I sat in silence and left him to it, my mind elsewhere, thinking of things that would never get me anywhere in life, such as when I was going to have my next cigarette and what car I could buy after the Volvo.

I heard Alice coming over to the table before I saw her. Her voice was so distinctive, even in large crowds.

"New kid is approaching," Jasper mumbled out the side of his mouth to me.

I didn't make a big deal of it. I didn't spin around in my chair to take a huge gawking look at her, I just sat still and waited for her to sit down, and then I'd politely glance over and say hello and maybe introduce myself. Alice took a seat next to Jasper, _surprise, surprise_, and her new friend Bella took the seat next to me.

"Edward and Jasper, this is Bella," Alice smiled proudly.

I looked up at Bella then, smiling welcomingly as we made eye contact. She had deep dark eyes and her face was…attractive. She didn't have tons of make-up on and her hair looked like she hadn't made an extra effort to make it special for school, which was cool. She obviously wasn't image obsessed like Alice and Rose. Her face was relatively pale, besides the blooming blush upon her cheek. Her eyes were staring at me, almost shocked looking as she gulped awkwardly.

I didn't know what to do, but it made _me_ feel awkward, so I smiled and said, "Hello."

But then she had the strangest reaction to someone saying hello that I'd ever seen. She began choking on the bite of apple that she'd taken, her whole body shaking as she held her hands to her head, shutting her eyes tight. She sat like that for a while, and I didn't take my gaze off of her, reaching towards her slowly to see if she was okay. Maybe I could pat her back to stop her from choking. Then suddenly her eyes flew open and she slid away from me on her chair, trying to get away from me as if I had just threatened to kill her. She dropped the apple on her tray and pushed her chair out from the table, cradling her bandaged arm to her chest and stepping back. She looked shaken and terrified. Was she a good actress or was I really just _that_ scary? At any other time I would've laughed, but she looked so genuinely scared that I wanted to hug her and just make sure she was okay. I didn't like the feeling that it was me making her like this.

Thankfully, before I made her scream or whatnot by attempting to hug her, Alice was up out of her chair and hugging Bella. She was giving me a nasty look as she cradled Bella's head to her shoulder, stroking her back. I didn't look cowardly away, I just stared in shock, not really sure what to make of the situation. It made me feel like complete shit. I had made this new kid cry by _just_ looking at her. I hadn't laid a finger on her, I had barely spoken. I started to question whether she was insane. Maybe that's why she didn't want to talk about why she'd moved to Forks. But she'd been cool with sitting in my car this morning, maybe it was something about my face, because that had been the first time I'd looked at her. I was so confused.

"Nice one Edward, you jack ass! What did you do?!" Alice screamed at me, not even bothered about the surrounding students who had all turned in their seats to watch the scene that was peeking on insanity, if not there already, all probably wondering what I had done. But I could promise them right there, I wouldn't be able to tell them. I had no fucking clue.

Bella had already fled from the scene, hiding her eyes and pulling her hood up as she went. Alice ran off behind her shortly after questioning me, but not bothering to wait for an answer. I watched as they ran out and so did most of the people in the canteen, before they directed their piercing little gazes straight back at me, eye brows raised in question and concern for the new kid – The insane new kid.

"Alright!" I heard Emmett bellow from nearby, "Nothing to see here!"

I turned back round to find Jasper looking as shocked as I felt and Emmett sat down beside him, taking Alice's previous seat. Rose had obviously gone running after the girls to fill herself in with the latest gossip on 'why Edward Cullen is so mean'.

"What the–" Jasper began, being cut off and finished by Emmett.

"Hell."

"What did you do Edward?" Jasper asked. "She looked almost like she was about to have a fit. Did you touch her? Seriously dude, she freaked like Alice does when there's a spider. No, wait, it was worse than that!"

"I don't know," I croaked, my throat dry from where mixed emotions had overwhelmed me. I didn't even bother questioning why Jasper knew how Alice reacted to spiders like I usually would have. I felt like a monster. "I honestly don't know."

BPOV

I heard Alice and Rose walk into the toilets where I was hidden. I'd made a run for it after the scene at the lunch table. I felt so embarrassed, my cheeks were on fire and my stomach churned fiercely, convulsing and threatening to false me to throw up the little amount I had eaten today. I was still shaking, my hands laced in my hair as I sat and cried silently in one of the cubicles, leaning back against the door.

It had all been so scary, so confusing and entirely absurd of me to react in such a way, but I couldn't help it. It was almost as if it hadn't been me when I'd freaked out in front of Alice's brother Edward. It was as if my body was trying to protect me from the things I was seeing in my head. The flashes of what I didn't remember ever seeing before. These were memories…

_As soon as Edward looked up at me it happened. I felt awkward as I gulped down my apple, he was staring so intensely into my eyes, analysing me, as if he were trying to get through to me. He said 'hello' and the piece of apple I'd swallowed got caught in my throat causing me to start choking; I managed to swallow it down after a while. My head started to twinge in pain, the heat building up there into a whirring, stuffy ball as I brought my hands to my head shutting my eyes tightly. The strange sensation rushing through me as an image of a boy in a chair flashed before my eyes beneath my eyelids, it was all in my mind. A tall man walked into the room and said 'hello' in an unpleasant, spine tingling way. The way that only perverts on TV programs spoke. He went over to the boy, grabbing his neck and making him begin to choke as his fingers clenched harder around the boys neck._

_I shot open my eyes and saw Edward with his hand in the air, as if he was holding an imaginary glass, curved round, curved round enough to fit perfectly around my neck. It was all too much, I was shaking uncontrollably and Edward's face looked so scared. I knew it wasn't him who'd been in my flashback in my head, but it was all too much, everything he was doing was obviously familiar to me and it was obviously bringing back some kind of memory. Something about my body was reacting against him, not allowing him to come close and let that memory touch me, like an invisible guard._

_I moved back in my chair and cradled my arm to my chest, not wanting him to hurt me. I don't know why I thought he would. I got up and backed into Alice before I turned into her shoulder, burying my embarrassed, heated face there as tears erupted from my eyes. I'd probably drawn way too much attention to myself and now was being considered as insane by the majority of the school._

_I pulled up my hood to hide my face and fled from the room, hearing Alice shout at Edward behind me, but I didn't care. I just wanted to get away from the image in my head, the memories, and the confusion. I needed space._

I'd found the toilets and smuggled myself into a cubicle, which was where Alice and Rose were trying to coax me out of.

"Come on Bella, come out and tell us what is going on," I heard Rosalie sigh from the other side of the door I was leant against.

I was still panting, the fear running through me as the image of the man strangling the boy came back to me again and whilst I cried in the cubicle. What the _hell_ was wrong with me?

I heard the main door to the toilets open and a sigh from Alice as she walked away, the sigh seemed calm and considerate, but the shout, however, was not. "Get your ass out of these scummy toilets now! We have an emergency here and you will only be in the way!" I'm sure after Alice's shouting whoever it was that had come into the toilets left.

I listened as Alice joined Rose in leaning against the toilet door. They both began discussing a film Rose had watched last night, admiring the actors and chatting away about some bizarre storyline, but obviously leaving me to calm down which at the time I was greatly thankful for.

Eventually, after a long conversation and a whole lunch time later, I opened the cubicle door, my eyes surely puffy and stinging from tears. Alice and Rose stumbled a bit as I opened the door, but then were immediately hugging me into their arms, telling me that it will all be okay. They didn't even know what was going on, but they seemed…supportive. They were so sweet. They told me that they'd chat with me after school or tomorrow, but they didn't immediately ask for info, probably realising I was fragile at that moment in time. And so they walked me to my next lesson – Biology.

I walked over to the seat I'd been allocated yesterday and took my seat, keeping my hood up and avoiding the gazes of the curious students around me that probably wanted to ask me what drugs I was on, or how regular my insane outbursts were.

I heard the chair scrape beside me and then a voice that was like velvet as he spoke fluently, with no slang terms or anything of the sort. "Sir," the voice called. "I don't think this pairing is going to work."

He said the last part quietly when the teacher, Mr Banner, was near us, so that the rest of the class wouldn't hear. I couldn't help but shoot my eyes up to look at whoever it was that had taken a place next to me. And as if someone had set it all up for me to have an utterly crap second day, Edward was stood by his stool, looking at the teacher pleadingly, anxiously, deliberately not turning his gaze to me.

I didn't feel scared this time though. He was a normal kid, there was nothing about him that made me shake in fear and when I blinked there were no images in my mind. It was safe, I was okay.

"It's okay," I forced the best assuring smile I could conjure in the moment as the teacher continued to look between me and Edward questioningly.

Edward warily turned his gaze to me, one eyebrow raised. I didn't let the smile drop from my lips, which was obviously enough to reassure him I was okay now. Mr Banner still wasn't too sure, but he left us alone anyway, walking over to the front desk to grab a board pen so he could scribble some notes on the board for today's lesson.

Edward sat down, keeping a distance between our stalls as he just stared at me. I felt awkward and slightly scared, but then I couldn't imagine how he must've felt at the moment. He probably thought I was insane like the rest of the school did, but he must've felt like crap too, because I had been looking at _him_ when I freaked out. How I'd explain all this to him was a conundrum, because was there really a valid way of explaining something that I didn't understand myself? I felt too bad about the way I assumed I'd made him feel to _not_ tell him the truth.

"So you aren't going to freak out this time?" Edward whispered cautiously. His voice was beautiful.

"Ur…" I stumbled with my words. "I'm sorry about lunchtime."

He simply laughed in reply to my attempt of apology. How kind.

I didn't bother to say anymore, he didn't look as bothered as I thought he might be about making me freak out. Maybe he didn't want to know? Instead of telling him, I turned in my seat and listened to the introduction of the lesson before Mr Banner wheeled in an old TV which he fiddled around with until a fuzzy Biology tape rolled across the screen. A boy near the front of the class switched off the lights in the lab, leaving us in a near darkness, making me even more aware of Edward's awkward shifting in his seat. I was about to ask him, in a furious manner I might add, if he had ants in his pants, but he cut me off just as I opened my mouth.

"So are you going to tell me what happened?" He whispered. His features difficult to make out in the darkness, but I tried to look his way as I replied, keeping my voice down.

"It's confusing and you wouldn't understand."

"I have time and you'd be surprised." I managed to see a crooked smile break out on his lips, which for some reason made my legs feel like jelly.

He seemed consistent on finding out, however I had no idea how to explain it all so I just told him the general truth. "I don't understand, Edward. I don't even know what happened. It was all just so weird and confusing that…" I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes again as I looked down at my hands in front of me on my desk. "I'm a freak Edward and I don't even understand why. It's not your fault though," I managed to croak hoarsely.

"Miss Swan and Mr Cullen, do you have something you wish to share with the class?" Mr Banner asked from his desk, looking up from a textbook.

"No Sir, I apologise." Edward replied courteously.

He didn't reply to what I had said after Mr Banner's interruption. Instead, he turned to watch the TV. When I stole a glance at him from under my hair the first time, he was watching the screen but held a thoughtful expression on his brow. When I looked the second time I caught him steal a glance at him and he let out that little crooked grin. The third time was different. We both caught each others gazes and held them for a while. It wasn't awkward, but weird, as if we were trying to get into each others heads, trying to understand what the other wanted to say. After a while of gazing he mouthed the words 'you aren't a freak' to me. And although I knew that it couldn't be certain, I felt much better after he'd said that, it made me feel calmer, it made me feel that I was normal. I almost completely forgot the fact that I'd freaked out at lunch.

I would've replied with thanks, but the end of school bell rung and the lights were on before I could pronounce the first syllable. All the students in the class stood up and went out immediately to meet the crowds of hurrying students, including Edward.

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**A/N: Thirdly, Bella will discuss her memory to someone in future, but the relationships aren't stable enough between anyone for her to talk about it just yet, but do not fear! The ball will start to roll soon. I hope the memory thing wasn't too confusing for y'all!**

**Well, I guess that is all for now. Hopefully the next update will be much sooner! Now, as it is required for me to get another chapter up, I'm going to go and kick some assignment butt!**

Make Edward feel better and leave a review!


	3. Convulsing and Covering

**A/N: Once again, a slow update. My entire fault, no excuses, I just have crap organisation. But, that aside, i'm quite into a flow now and already drafting the next chapter, so hopefully *crosses fingers* it'll be up soon!  
Thank you to the reviewers - you are all so awesome. Special thanks to Thalia-csiny who writes long, kick ass reviews that make me smile.**

**I'll warn you all now, this chapter is a bit angsty and quite a few profanities are used, but I hope this is cool with you!**

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**BPOV**

Like I suspected, Alice and Rosalie were lingering around outside and there truly was no escaping from them, seeing as Charlie would be late picking me up to go home and Alice and Rosalie had nowhere else to go to. I bustled through the crowds and across the lot to where Alice was chatting animatedly to a pouting Rosalie who was sorting her make-up. Hitching my back pack over my shoulders, I then shoved my stinging, cold hands into my pockets before joining them by the Volvo. The boys were nowhere to be seen, which was weird. At the rate that Edward had escaped from the class it seemed more likely for him to already be in the Volvo and waiting to go, but obviously that wasn't the case with him.

"Alright?" Alice smiled and gave me a small hug.

"Yeah, just tired and wanting to be home," I shrugged.

They were both watching over my shoulder now, as if I were a lamppost in the way of a perfect view. Both of them had their heads cocked to the side slightly and were squinting as a small 'o' formed on Alice's lips, whilst Rose's mouth dropped open in shock, her eyebrows creasing together as she took in whatever the view was.

I couldn't put up with the suspense of what was going on behind my back any longer, so turned to look for what they were staring at and found it straight away, but it was hardly easy to miss. Most of the students on the lot were staring too, all with shocked expressions on their faces.

Emmett, the Emmett that Rosalie fancied the pants off Emmett, was stood half way across the lot and kissing a girl furiously, his fingers laced in her hair and body pressing the girls against the small red car, seemingly oblivious to the crowds in the lot.

Rosalie would be devastated. I didn't know who the girl was that Emmett was kissing, or how much Rose really liked him, but the expression she had been pulling was enough to tell me that things weren't going to be good.

Reluctantly, I turned back to my new friends. Rose was still staring in shock, her eyes now watery, and cheeks flushed. I couldn't imagine Rose to be the type to cry, she seemed so strong and confident, but she looked like she was on the verge. Alice was looking sorrowfully at Rosalie and murmuring, probably trying to console her. It didn't seem to be working.

"Stupid fucking boys need to be provided with hormone control and then locked up in fucking cages to stop them bonking every woman they can set their eyes on. Stupid worthless shits." I hadn't expected these profanities to burst from Rose's mouth, so I was quite taken aback as she finished with a large outward breath.

"I think we best be leaving Bella," Alice frowned at me. "Can you tell Edward I've gone back with Rose?"

I nodded, completely understanding that Rose was pretty torn about the situation. But until I had comfortably sat upon the wall by the Volvo and got out my iPod to select a song, I realised that Alice had asked me that favour as if lunch didn't happen, she didn't even know about me sitting with Edward in Biology and we hadn't touched upon my freaky side in conversation since the end of school. Obviously the Rose and Emmett thing was a bigger problem than I had first thought. It had wiped Alice's mind of everything and filled it with only concern for Rose.

It was a while before Edward ventured over to the Volvo. I had no idea where he'd been all that time, but the lot had pretty much cleared. His eyebrows were raised in question as he got closer, spinning his keys on his index finger.

"You want a ride home?" He asked me casually.

And to be honest, something in me did want to let Edward drop me off home. Charlie seemed to have forgotten anyway. I knew it meant nothing, him offering to drop me home. It was just logic. After all he _had_ brought me to school this morning even if it did feel like a whole year had passed since then.

"Ur, I'm not so sure yet," I mumbled. "Alice has gone back to Rose's. Rose got pretty upset about something."

I didn't tell him anything that he needn't know. What was going on with Rose right now was not my business to be telling, but he didn't seem bothered by it anyway.

"Oh, uh…cool." He mumbled back.

I nodded, unsure of how I was meant to ignore the awkwardness of this conversation.

"Well, I'm going to…" he gestured to the car and then pointed to the exit of school, making me laugh as he finished his sentence. "Go home."

I nodded and set back to putting my earphones into my ears.

"Bella?" Edward asked just before I put the earphone in my ear. "Are you sure you don't need a lift home?"

How could I resist an offer from him when he seemed so insistent on not leaving me alone? I was a freak, and he knew it, but he was enough of a gentleman to not let me wait around school alone.

"I guess Charlie's been held up at the police station or something…" I shrugged, grabbing my backpack from beside me on the wall and walking over to the passenger door, glancing at Edward just to make sure it was okay with him before I got in.

He smiled and climbed in his own door, so I followed and climbed in, plugging the seatbelt in and slamming the door closed. It was weird how it was just me and Edward in this car, it felt different…I had never sat in any guys car before, just me and a guy. At least, I didn't remember ever doing anything like that.

I looked up to find Edward skimming through a couple of CD's in the compartment below the radio controls. There was an assortment of blank CD's with marker pen on and album cases. It took him a while to select one and still sighed in disappointment as he took the CD from the small case.

"I hope you don't mind this?" He laughed and a slight blush spread over his cheeks. He was embarrassed by his music choice? What it was about that fact that I found cute, I don't know, but it made me smile.

"What CD is it?" I asked, making an effort to start conversation. Build bridges between mine and his relationship that had set off on the completely wrong foot today.

"Debussy. You don't mind that, right?"

"No, that's cool. I think I remember it from somewhere. The name sounds familiar." In all honesty, I did recognise it. I wasn't just trying to flirt by having vast knowledge on music. The name triggered little switches in my head, but hid behind an unclear haze, not allowing me to completely remember why it was so recognisable.

"Bella…" I began to wonder if he just liked my name. He said it even when it wasn't necessary. It wasn't like he was trying to grab my attention over someone else – he had my full attention from the moment he'd walked over to me in the student lot. "Can I ask you something?"

I nodded, not really knowing what question to expect from him, but figuring that no harm could be done really.

"What made you move to Forks?"

That was _not_ what I wanted him to ask. I didn't even know the true reason why I was here, all I knew was that my mum had sent me here to avoid the memories that I couldn't remember. Although this was annoying and confusing, I guess it was for my own good and it was what my mom had wanted. I'd need to phone my mom later to see how she was. Hopefully Charlie would let me use the phone later, whereas yesterday he had been pretty against it, although he didn't want me to see that. He made excuses like 'maybe you should have another day at school so there is more to talk to her about' and 'she might be busy at this time, phone later.' So when I did go to phone her later he told me 'she'll probably be sleeping'. There was no winning, so I left it until tonight.

"Bella?" Edward cut me off from my daydream ramble, sitting there with a sympathetic look upon his face.

I apologised quietly, trying to think whether I should tell him why, or just make up a lie. Would he spread it around? Alice had said to me yesterday that their group at lunch didn't really socialise with many other people, they all kept to themselves mostly. So would that mean that he wouldn't really tell anyone? I couldn't be sure, but I figured that I still owed him some kind of explanation for my strange ways.

"My mom sent me here to live with Charlie," I started, scared to really go on. I hadn't spoken the truth out loud to anyone yet. "I can't remember a lot of stuff and my mom thought it was for the best that I didn't remember it. So she sent me here – A fresh start."

"Oh," yeah, I thought he'd have that speechless response, because it had sounded alright to me in my head, I'd convinced myself of that. But telling someone out loud made me just sound really weird and it was just an open gate to a field of questions that I didn't really feel like answering. I just wanted to be home.

"I guess your mom did what was best for you. Moms are like that," he seemed sad as he said that, slipping the CD in the player in his car and reversing out of his parking space.

I wanted to question him why he seemed so sad about that. It was only fair, I'd answered his question. So couldn't he answer mine? Maybe he and his mom didn't get on or something. Curiosity ran wild through my veins as he drove the car towards the exit. But I never did ask him that day.

The music was just kicking in; playing a beautiful tune that filled the car, making me relax into my chair. But then suddenly I felt an ache in my head, my eyes beginning to water. I brought my hands to my head as the car pulled to a stop at the exit, waiting to turn out onto the exit. My forehead was pulsing and the sides of my head throbbing as I pushed my palms into them, trying to control it, and trying to stop it.

"Bella?" I heard a voice ask as I closed my eyes and brought my knees up to my chest, burying my face in them. "Bella?" The voice asked again.

The music floated around me, trapping me in a vortex as my mind whirred. There was a man in the car with me, but he was looking away, it was so dark in the car, ever so dark. I couldn't even make out the colour of his hair. I saw his hands on the steering wheel as he waited to turn onto the road, his hands were young looking. The CD player was lit up as the beautiful song played from the speakers. The car accelerated forwards down a long road, the street lights flickering past as we neared a pitch black area, the car being sucked in.

"Bella?" A voice asked. It wasn't the man next to me, he was focused on the road, but I still couldn't make out any of his features.

Suddenly I felt myself being dragged out of the car, my chest clenching in pain as I sunk back into reality. I felt my stomach churning as I heaved, the darkness behind my eyelids filling with flashing lights.

"Bella, open your eyes," the calming voice spoke as I felt a hand rub on my back. "It's okay. You're okay."

Then I threw up – My body convulsing as I did so and my legs failing beneath me. Luckily the person who had dragged me from the car had helped me not to fall, supporting me all the time I threw up.

Finally, when my body was clear of throwing up, I managed to open my eyes, blinking away the flashing lights as I looked down at the mess I'd made in the grass. I could feel the tears fresh on my face, my throat felt dry and tasted disgusting. All I could think to myself was that I was a freak and when I looked up to find Edward with a pitiful and scared expression pasted on his face, well that just made me feel ten times worse. Why did he have to see that? Why did that all have to happen when I was in _his_ car with _him_? Twice now, it had happened twice. Was there really any justice in this world? He must've seriously thought I was a mental case at that moment there if he hadn't already. Thinking all this only made me cry more.

I straightened up and gratefully took the tissues that Edward passed to me from a box he was holding, using them to clear my face.

"Wait here," he whispered calmly and I heard his footsteps walk away into the distance before then coming back towards me, whilst I stayed completely still and stared at the murky sky. It was going to rain – great.

"Here." Edward passed me a bottle of water which he'd already unscrewed the cap off of. "Let's go sit down for a bit."

I followed him over to the wall I'd been sitting on earlier that day in the parking lot, whilst gulping down water as if I had been deprived of it for years. We sat down on the damp wall and he, not surprisingly, kept his distance. It was just like Biology all over again.

"Sorry," I croaked.

"What happened back there?"

"I-I don't know…" I truthfully whimpered, feeling the tears well up again.

Just at that moment I heard a car nearby. It would of course be Charlie wouldn't it, coming to pick me up from school, but being extremely late. I watched as he parked his police car and threw the door open, a shocked expression on his face as he walked over to where me and Edward were sat.

In a full blown panic about being accused of crazy, I quickly whispered to Edward. "Don't tell him, please."

He simply nodded and I let out a sigh of relief. Getting accused of being crazy and ending up with a shrink was not my idea of fun.

"What's happened Cullen?" Charlie asked fiercely towards Edward, in that fatherly protective tone that I'd only heard Charlie use a few times, because most of the time I ended up crying or getting hurt it was of my own doing.

"She just threw up. I think she might've eaten something funny in the canteen. She wasn't feeling well when I was about to leave, so I offered to take her home and then suddenly she just…well you know."

All the time that Edward was lying for me, I found myself staring at the floor, relieved that he sounded so convincing and pleased that he had actually stuck to his word. Okay, he'd experienced me freak twice in one day which was more than enough reason to turn me into a crazy home, but he hadn't…

"I'm fine dad," I mumbled croakily. "I was going to call you when I got in, to tell you I'd got a lift from Edward."

He nodded, seemingly convinced.

"Well, thank you," Charlie nodded to Edward and then turned to me, "Come on Bells. Let's get you home."

He walked towards his police car and I followed, glancing back at Edward who was still sat on the wall watching me walk away. I gave him a nod and a poor excuse of a smile in thanks and climbed into the car to go home. I doubted that Charlie would let me use the phone tonight. I would probably be condemned to a night either watching the sports channel with him or in my own bed.

**EPOV**

In Biology she'd been cool with me sitting next to her. She'd even looked straight into my eyes and smiled. It wasn't a proper genuine smile, but she'd looked at me as if lunch had never happened, which was fucking confusing. Let alone being a freak, she also had short term memory loss. Great – what a great lab partner she's going to be.

But, it was me who ended up telling her 'you aren't a freak' when we were sat in the darkness of the biology room watching one of those fucking boring tapes about cells and she'd just accused herself of being a freak. Why I told her she wasn't, I don't know. Maybe it was just pity. I hoped she wouldn't take it seriously, but it did earn a smile from her just before the bell rang.

I shot out of the class in need of a cigarette. It had been such a fucking confused day and if I couldn't get away with a smoke tonight, then I'd probably go insane, so it was probably best to fit one in just after school whilst Alice gossiped with Bella and Rose. They probably wouldn't realise I was gone for so long.

When I walked over to my Volvo, most of the school had emptied out, only a few jocks were in the field mucking about and a few kids were by a van eating sweets and discussing something about a beach trip. Expecting to see Alice and maybe Rose and Bella lingering by my car, made it more of a surprise to see only Bella sat on the wall there. Alice and Rose weren't in sight and neither was Rose's car. Jasper and Emmett weren't anywhere to be seen either.

I guessed that Alice had ventured off somewhere with Rose, leaving me with the freak, that thought I didn't think she was a freak, to be taken home by me. I'd have to have words with her about that.

"You want a ride home?" I asked just to make sure.

"Ur, I'm not so sure yet," she'd mumbled. "Alice has gone back to Rose's. Rose got pretty upset about something."

Well what a surprise, Rose the drama queen has turned on the water works. Maybe her nail broke. I didn't even bother asking why, because I frankly didn't give a shit. As long as Alice was okay, then it was cool.

"Oh, uh…cool," I mumbled back awkwardly, not really knowing how to make conversation with a freak, let alone wanting to. "Well I'm going to...go home." I gestured towards the car and the exit, not really knowing what to do with myself, overcome with that awkward feeling of someone judging you. I don't know _why_ I felt like that though. She couldn't exactly accuse _me_ of being a freak.

She nodded and began to go back to her iPod. She wasn't even bothered about sitting around here on her own. Even after the school had watched her freak in the canteen and would probably grab at the chance to pick at her for it, she couldn't care less. It probably hadn't even crossed her mind. I couldn't leave her there alone.

"Bella, are you sure you don't need a lift home?"

This time she hesitated before answering. "I guess Charlie's been held up at the police station or something…"

She got into my car as I did. I skimmed through my CD collection and she asked me about it, making casual conversation. I felt embarrassed about the choice of music, but she seemed pretty cool with it. Even if she was just trying to be polite, it reassured me. It seemed like Bella was a decent person when she wasn't freaking out. She didn't seem offensive or nasty, just weird.

But of course, I being a complete fucked up idiot that can't filter what he says had to ruin the casual okay atmosphere. "Bella, can I ask you something?"

She nodded, which was my signal to carry on.

"What made you move to Forks?"

She was quiet then, awkwardly thinking about what to answer. I'd obviously hit a weak point in which she felt uncomfortable answering about. I felt so nasty at that moment, because she looked upset and confused and it was _my_ fault.

"Bella?" I asked, meaning it as in to check she was okay, but the right words didn't come to my lips.

She mumbled and apology and after a hesitant few moments, she explained. "My mom sent me here to live with Charlie. I can't remember a lot of stuff and my mom thought it was for the best that I didn't remember it. So she sent me here – A fresh start."

Not really knowing what to say to that I just simply replied with an, "oh." I would've liked to be more caring and say something smart and kind in response, but I was inconsiderate. Desperate to say anything decent to her, I just said something from the heart, something I knew of, because it was true to me. "I guess your mom did what was best for you. Moms are like that." And I know that some moms aren't like that, but if a mom isn't like that, I struggle to call them a mom.

She smiled a little at my response as I pulled out of the parking space and towards the exit. She seemed fine, relaxed, like she actually enjoyed listening to Debussy. But the next thing I knew made me think that she really couldn't have _been_ any further from relaxed.

Suddenly she was holding her head and shaking like she had been in the canteen. I stopped at the exit, originally to turn off onto the road, but then figured that it was best to stop completely. She was whimpering now as I called her name in panic. If she was going to have a breakdown again, well I don't know how I'd react.

She was completely gone in a matter of seconds, her eyes tightly closed, whimpering and fucking shaking so violently. Then she started heaving. No, she was _not_ going to be sick in my car. I grabbed the box of tissues from the centre divide between mine and her seats and jumped out my door, running round to hers and throwing it open to get her out quickly.

I led her to a patch of grass by the exit of the lot and she stood there shaking and heaving, her eyes still closed tight, making her look so fragile and weak, so in need of any kind of care, the kind of care I wasn't used to providing.

I raked through my memory, trying to think of what Esme used to tell Alice and me if we were having a nightmare when we were younger. She used to get us to open our eyes, because that was how we came back to reality to escape what was going on in our heads.

"Bella, open your eyes," I spoke in my best calm voice, rubbing her back soothingly, glad that nobody else was around to hear me. "It's okay," that's what Esme would say to us, "You're okay."

Then she threw up. It stunk and was fucking nasty to watch. It made me feel queasy too, but over that queasy feeling I felt pitiful. I felt bad for thinking of her as a freak. If she was a freak, then she couldn't help it. Just like you can't help being sick. I felt so fucking sorry for her that I didn't know what to do. I remembered how it felt to be sick, that unclean, weakness that you felt and then that on top of having some kind of seizure in my car must've just been…fucking unpleasant.

She opened her eyes, all watery and confused, looking down at what she'd done. Her cheeks flushing redder than they had previously been, her hair all messy, but I'd tried to hold back the most of it. I passed her a few tissues from the box I'd put down on the floor by us and she used them to clean herself up, coughing slightly.

"Wait here," I whispered to her, leaving her alone for a minute as I walked back to the car, breathing in some fresh air and going to get her a drink. I returned to her with a bottle from my car that I hadn't opened previously, but took of the lid for her when I got closer. "Here," I passed her the drink. "Let's go sit down for a bit."

It wasn't like I wanted to spend more time with her; I just couldn't bare being near the sick or leaving her there. I doubted that she'd be alright with getting back in my car straight away. What had I gotten myself into?

I didn't sit too close, to avoid her freaking out if I touched her or if she was sick again I didn't want it to be on me.

"Sorry," she croaked, looking all fragile and a complete mess. I began to feel glad for her that all of the kids had fled from school. We were the only ones left in the parking lot now.

"What happened back there?"

"I-I don't know…" she whimpered.

And that was the worst thing that made me feel like a fucking inconsiderate bastard. She didn't know what was going on; she didn't know why she was going through these little manic phases. It was as alien to her as it was to me, but _she_ was the one having to go through it all, not me. I was fucking selfish, I shouldn't be avoiding the kid – I should be comforting her and making sure she was alright instead of just classing her as a freak. But that usually just wasn't me.

A police car pulled into the lot and Bella suddenly looked frightened, panicked. It was her dad, Charlie. She quickly whispered to me, "Don't tell him please." And I nodded, because I couldn't go telling her dad that she was crazy. Even if she did need serious help, I couldn't turn against her. I owed her that for being such a dick previously, even if it hadn't been to her face I still felt guilty.

After being accused of being the reason for Bella looking dishevelled and then lying out my ass to save her skin, Bella walked off after Charlie to go home in his police car. She turned and smiled at me before she got in the car and I just smiled back without effort. She didn't see though. She was too busy climbing into the car.

Once they'd driven off and left me alone, I went to the Volvo, only to find her backpack sat in the foot space on the passenger side. Sighing, I set off home, not really knowing what to do with her bag. I figured that I'd just give it to her tomorrow or something. If she was the type to panic about homework and assignments, then she'd be in a bit of bad luck really, but then again…It seemed like she already had enough bad luck as it was.

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**A/N: Phew *Wipes brow* pretty long. I don't know if you guys like the long chapters or whether I should just tone down on the descriptions? Please let me know what you think!**

I'd love to hear from some of you that have this on alert and/or favourite list, because you are all awesome too.

Thank you for reading! Reviews are appreciated!


	4. Dealing

**A/N: Has anyone else had trouble logging in lately? Damn, it annoyed the hell outta me. It _would_ be the one time that I actually had a chapter ready to load up wouldn't it. *rolls eyes* Anyway, less moaning and more reading!**

**A few thankyou's quickly though, because I can't thank the anonymous reviewers through a PM, so I'll say it here: Thank you to aneliz & Keeley for reviewing even though you don't have an account!**

**Also to y'all out there that are reviewing with accounts, you are all super-awesome and I love how you are analysing the characters and writing etc... I hope you all recieve my replies!**

**Right, back to the story. All in Edward's POV today...**

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**EPOV**

I was in my bedroom sitting on the window sill, having a cigarette, because Esme and Carlisle had gone out for a 'romantic meal', their words – not mine. Disgusting, I can just imagine it being all gooey and full of 'I love you' and 'you mean the world to me'. Just like how the women liked it and just how the men would give an arm for their date to think of them as romantic. I hated that mushy stuff.

Alice was still out at Rose's and so I thought I'd sneak one in, de-stress the stress. I felt myself just moulding into the wall as I stared out the window at the beautiful garden that Esme had created after hours of work, my smoky breath staining the air, releasing the tight feeling in my chest and the constricted feeling of my brain. I let my mind unwind as my eyes drifted closed.

The thoughts of the day ran through my head, each seeming to float on a cloud as they passed by, building up into one big storm cloud behind my eyelids. I took another drag from the cigarette and blew the smoke out from my nose, feeling myself drift off into a doze. It was relaxing, to just detach myself from the world for a bit, to overcome what a fucked up day I'd had. What a way to be welcomed back after being ill.

Time passed quicker than I expected whilst I sat at the window, smoking my lungs to shit and fully aware and proud of this. I only stopped, because the rain grew heavy and started to fall in the direction of my room, not only spattering on me, but also onto the floor.

After shutting the window up tight I resigned to my laptop to entertain me and take my mind off the smoking binge that I seemed to have been on this evening. I really needed to give up, but fuck it, smoking my lungs out every so often was far better than being deprived of it and suffering.

The internet was slow. The connection 'weak', that's what my laptop told me. Piece of crap needs to get some anti-virus software and get a good look at what's modern around here now. The thing was like a 1980's brick. Okay, _slight_ exaggeration.

As I was searching the net for anything entertaining or just interesting to read about to fill the dull evening, I found myself thinking of Isabella. The way she'd freaked out was something that I'd tried to forget about through smoking was crawling back to haunt me again. The small pop-up advertisement about shampoo reminded me of her, the way the models hair fell into loose curls which Bella managed to pull off, despite the frizzy dullness that came along with it, without looking like she'd used those strange heated tongs that Alice had too many of. A few times she'd threatened me with them.

Maybe there'd be something online about Bella, something I could read up on to make sense of her peculiar behaviour. Hell, if she was like that all the time then she couldn't have gone unnoticed where she'd come from.

Just as I was typing in the search panel, the door slammed open, causing my room to shake slightly. I looked up from the bed and laptop and over to the doorway where Alice was stood looking pissed off.

"You seriously need a doorstop," she mumbled angrily and sat herself opposite me on my bed behind the laptop. I couldn't help but naturally move away from her a little, she was scary when she was angry. "You also need to get your friend Emmett to stop being such a jackass and get his priorities right."

"Whoa! What the hell are you on about?"

"Ugh, don't worry." She rolled her eyes dramatically and started eyeing her own shirt, probably thinking of what she could customise on it or whether she could get a double in a different colour from a top of the range clothing store.

Suddenly when I went back to typing, hoping that she wouldn't look, or question it. I typed in the search bar 'Isabella Swan' and was just about to hit enter when Alice peaked over. I pulled the screen down so that she couldn't see and looked up to meet her irritated face.

"What?" I growled.

"Edward Anthony Cullen! I do hope you aren't searching…You know, especially when I, you sister, am in the room!"

"No, no, no!" I panicked.

She thought I was looking up porn? Hell, she really thought I'd stoop that low whilst she was in the room? It made me shiver to think of it.

"Then show me what you were doing," she smiled that fucking know it all smile that she does in situations like these, her head cocking slightly to the left and her smile pulling up at the sides of her mouth momentarily before pulling back down.

With a sigh I lifted the laptop and placed it on the floor so that we could both sit and see the screen. I didn't exactly want to show her, but Alice was the kind of person that you couldn't hide something from for long. Besides, I expected she was curious too and if she wasn't curious then she obviously knew more than me already.

"Isabella Swan?" She questioned at first, but then caught on. "You are _googling_ Bella?"

"Yeah, but I have good reason to. She fucking freaked two times today and she refuses to give any sort of explanation to me, because she apparently doesn't know why herself. Someone like that can't go around unnoticed, so I thought there might be something on here that will tell me what the fuck is up with her."

"She freaked twice?!" Alice acted just as shocked as I thought she would. But to be honest, I hadn't planned on telling anyone about the second time, it just slipped.

"Ah shit, I didn't ever tell you that, okay?"

She nodded and so I explained the second time Bella freaked out, leaving out minor details such as the fact that I'd actually looked after her and fucking attempted to be caring and even used Esme's words to help soothe her. Alice didn't need to know that level of detail.

"Don't tell her I told you," I put my head in my hands, "I think she was pretty messed up about it all."

Alice nodded again. "So, are we going to search her name or what?"

It was so Alice. Immediately she was just as curious as I was, if not even more.

I clicked the search button and waited for the search results to show, most of them being pretty useless, but a few standing out amongst others. Figuring that the most reliable source would be a news page, I took that link which opened up onto an article.

Just under the title, which I was completely unaware of at the time, was a fucking beautiful photograph of Bella. Her face illuminated with a smile and her hair cascading around her shoulders. She looked so alive and well and so care-free, so fucking far from what me and Alice knew. I felt my heart sink when I compared the photo and the real thing. It was almost un-real that they were the same person. That the beautiful girl in the photo was the one I had been supporting whilst she puked her guts up earlier.

"Wow," Alice mumbled, obviously shocked by the picture too. "That photo makes her look like a walking zombie now."

I nodded in agreement and then set to reading the article adjoined.

**GIRL FOUND CLOSE TO DEATH**

Late last night the missing seventeen year old, Isabella Swan, was found close to home, but in a condition worse than feared. She had several bruises and her arm was fractured, along with the fact that she was found unconscious and down an alley way close to home. Reports have yet to assess the full extent of the issue here and how badly she has been injured, but as far as friends and relatives are concerned Isabella was never one to go out late at night or snooping around in alleyways, so it is suspected that there was at least someone else involved in the disappearance of the popular young girl in Phoenix.  
People have been asked to report any memories of unusual happenings during the period of Monday evening to Saturday evening.  
Other than this, not much about the mysterious case of Isabella Swan has been released as of yet.

I felt my stomach cramp just from reading the title. This girl that they'd found in such a state was Bella. She had been through some serious shit and apparently didn't remember it. I struggled to read the rest, my stomach only growing sicker as my head rushed with possibilities of what could've happened to her.

"Well, that explains the bad arm I guess," Alice mumbled and got up from the floor.

"Fuck," I mumbled back without really being aware at the time. "Fucking dicks that put her into that situation, she doesn't deserve that."

"Edward, you don't know her. I don't even know her."

"I know her well enough to know she didn't deserve that. Nobody fucking deserves that. _Shit_, no wonder she has serious issues."

Alice shook her head and went over to the doorway. "Edward, don't tell her you read that, I don't think she deserves to remember that kind of stuff. And if she does remember more than she says she does, then I don't think she'd be very comfortable with people knowing."

Although Alice was a pain in the ass at times, she was a bright pain in the ass.

She closed the door and I closed my laptop, not really feeling like being on the internet anymore, not really wanting to know anything else. I felt like I knew too much already.

Of course when I looked up, her little back pack was sat across the room, staring me down like a cowboy waiting to draw its guns for conflict. The bag wanted to be taken home and I didn't think I could handle seeing Bella again today, especially after I'd _googled_ the poor girl. I was such a dick sometimes. I'd have to suffer in silence with this one.

--

The next morning Alice and I arrived in school late, just about managing to reach first class on time. By lunch I still hadn't seen Bella, but her bag was still on the front seat of the Volvo. On the way to school I could have sworn that it was fucking watching me. You know that feeling where you are being watched? That's what I felt – that tingly sensation and shiver that rushes through you. _Stupid fucking back pack._

I went to my car first at lunch to collect the bag and then met the others in the cafeteria. They were all already seated and my usual seat was left empty awaiting me. Bella's seat was next to mine.

I didn't know how I'd face the poor girl. I'd _googled_ her and if she was telling the truth, I now knew more about the reason for her coming here than she did. Alice seemed fine with this, maybe she was just _that_ good at acting, but I didn't know how I'd handle it.

"Cullen! My man!" Emmett smiled and patted the table with his hands in a little drum roll as I neared the table.

When I say pat, he really did only pat the table a few times, but the noise it made was more like that of someone banging their fist upon it. He was just heavy-handed.

Bella was looking down, all guilty-like. Rosalie was looking away from everyone like the attention seeker she was, whilst Alice chattered away to Jasper animatedly, twirling her hair around her fingers. Fucking flirt.

Okay, that was a totally negative outlook on my friends. Rewind…

Bella was looking down, all guilty-like. Rosalie was gazing into the distance in some kind of daze, whilst Alice chattered away to Jasper in a friendly manner. Okay, that was slightly better.

I sat down and smiled in Emmett's direction who was still entertaining himself with his patting against the table.

"Bella," I smiled and turned to face her in my chair, hoisting the back pack up on my lap.

"Oh, nice back pack babes!" Jasper cooed from across the table.

An immediate blush filled Bella's cheeks as she looked flustered and panicked. Feeling like it was my fault I quickly dropped the bag and slid it towards her chair so that she could get it easy when she left the cafeteria.

I glanced in Jaspers direction, earning a wink. Ha-ha, smooth moves Jasper. _Dick_. He obviously hadn't picked up on the fact that Bella might be a bit fragile and _he_ was supposed to be the empathetic one of our group, me being the opposite!

For a moment I'd thought I'd heard thanks from Bella's direction, but maybe that was just my mind playing tricks on me.

"So," I questioned daringly. "What's with the tension at the table?"

As soon as it was out of my mouth, I fucking regretted it. The sharp look that Rosalie sent in my direction was like piercing daggers, tearing through my skin.

"Tension? You could call it that," Rosalie spat, "Or just fucking ignorance and testosterone problems!"

"Rosalie," Alice warned, knowing what this could spark into.

And hell, I knew exactly what this could fucking turn into too. When Rosalie was angry, the whole bloody school knew and that wasn't even from the volume of her voice when she argued, no. Rosalie was a fucking monster when she got angry. And in all fairness, it did take a big deal to anger her.

"Bloody hell, not again," Emmett groaned and hid his face in his hands.

"Not again? Yeah, that's what _I_ was thinking when I saw you licking that dogs face across the parking lot Emmett, but didn't exactly mean much to _you_ did it?!"

This was going to be nasty. The whole table knew it. The whole cafeteria knew it.

I watched as Bella sunk deep into her chair, keeping her head down as she sneakily slipped her earphones in. Damn, I wanted so much to be able to listen to them earphones at that moment. Alice was slowly sinking in her chair too, trying to keep out of 'bear' and 'dollies' argument, talking to a greatly panicked looking Jasper.

In a situation like that, there really isn't much to do, is there? I couldn't stick up for my mate, because I had no clue what he could've done. I couldn't tell Rosalie to back down or just quieten down, because then I'd have my head bitten off. But then I couldn't just stay there all lunch; that would be hell.

I had another option though. Okay, it was a risk of making me look like a complete idiot, but it was worth the try, just to get away from the conflict.

I kicked Bella's foot under the table lightly and she immediately looked up from the carton of juice she was staring at, her hands flustering around a bit as she did. She took one earphone out and raised an eyebrow blinking at me through her little lashes.

"You want to get out of here?" I asked quietly, placing my hand over my mouth slightly so that nobody could see except Bella.

She nodded. Just a little tilt of her head, but it was enough to make me stand straight up from my chair.

"We're going to go and work on a Biology assignment," I lied. I fucking lied right out my ass. Why would I go and do a Biology assignment in my lunch hour?

Alice looked at me sleepily, smiling as if she was happy for my escape and the rest didn't really pay much attention. Bella grabbed her bag from under the table and hoisted it over one shoulder before following me out from the cafeteria and into the halls where I directed her out towards the parking lot.

The sun had miraculously come out, but the grounds were still damp from rainwater and the air was still thick with mist. Not many students were lingering out here, so it was perfect for Bella and me to get away from the noise of the lunch table.

We both perched on the wall by where my Volvo was parked, the rainwater forming in beads all over the bonnet and roof. I watched as the wind blew at the trees near us and more rainwater flew at my car from the branches.

"Why are you being so nice Edward?" Bella asked me.

She fucking asked me why I was being nice. I wasn't being nice, I was just…I don't know. But if I was being nice then I wouldn't think that she was a freak. Although I knew for certain that there was a reason for it, it didn't stop me thinking it. She wasn't always like that. Would it ever pass? Could it ever pass?

I almost told her then. I almost went and owned up to my stupid, nosey, _googling_ of her the night before. Hey, she might've been peeved, but wouldn't it be honest? I'm sure that was a better thing. But I fucking chickened out of it when I remembered her puking yesterday afternoon and shaking like a leaf at lunch. If I told her about that, I wondered if she'd have another freak out moment. Maybe that's what triggered it…_memories_.

"Memories?" She asked as if she'd been reading my mind.

For a moment, I thought she really did read my mind. I panicked that she was even more of a freak. My face must've been a picture. All shocked and raised up. But then I remembered the fact that I couldn't control what I said sometimes. Shit, how much had she heard of what I'd been thinking before. My heartbeat raced and I found myself panicking over it.

"You just randomly said memories?" She prompted.

Thank _fuck_ I hadn't said anything more. I sighed with relief and relaxed. "Memories – that's what could be triggering you freak out attacks."

She nodded as if she'd already worked that one out. Was I slow? Before I could really focus on that fact, I realised what I'd just said.

"I didn't mean freak out attacks, I meant…you know. When you just…" I stuttered to find the right words.

"When I just freak out like a kid who needs to see a shrink or just get locked up in a home?" She said so blandly, so empty of life, making her face seem so dead and swollen that it reminded me of the photograph on the article last night, how much her face had really changed.

"I didn't—"

"It's alright. I know. I'm just hiding from it a little longer," she mumbled, kicking the backs of her feet against a brick wall whilst she looked away from me.

She looked all child-like and sweet. Like something I could stow away in my pocket. I wanted to look after her. I don't remember ever feeling like that before. Only with Alice, I'd only ever wanted to protect Alice, but that was different, I owed Alice that. But with Bella I found myself wanting to help her be happy. I wanted to see her fucking smile like in that photo. But I knew I wasn't capable of causing that kind of happiness. I was a 'sad kid', that's what I'd been told…A sad kid that just carries an air of fucking sadness around with them. Nobody wants to be friends with a sad kid in the long run…

"Maybe memories are the cause of it," she mumbled out of the blue. I'd kind of lost track of where I was at the time, being lost in depressive thoughts of my own, drowning in self pity like the sad bastard I am. "But if they are memories, they can't be good memories. I'd rather not remember them."

She sighed and looked at her watch, jumping down from the wall. Had we really passed a whole lunch time?

"Wait," I grabbed her wrist and she just…she just fucking screamed.

I didn't know what to do, I was still holding her wrist and she was still screaming, just like before. Like I'd actually hurt her – as if we really needed that attention drawn to me and her.

I let go after a few seconds delay and she stopped screaming, panting, and her eyes wide and staring at me.

"I'm sorry," I gasped out, feeling breathless from panic. Had I hurt her?

"It's, it's okay," she panicked slightly. "Don't know why I freaked out then, it just…"

She was rubbing a palm against her forehead as she shook her head from side to side, little tears trickling down the sides of her face.

"Are you alright?" I asked quietly, looking up to see what attention we'd drawn now.

Thankfully – none.

"I'm fine. It just made me panic." That's two of us then.

"Bella, what do you see? When you start to…you know?"

She shook her head and wiped her eyes from tears. I was too scared to do it for her, or even offer her a tissue. She was beginning to make me feel paranoid for just being near her. How come she didn't scream like that when Alice linked her arm with hers or when Emmett gave her a playful pat on the back? Or even when Rosalie hugged her? Why was it just me? I had so many questions for a person who didn't have any answers.

"When I freak out? It's complicated."

"I have time?" I retorted. Smart ass jerk I was.

"Not now you don't," she mumbled and looked at her watch. "Maybe in Biology, if Mr Banner puts on the rest of that tape."

I nodded, not really knowing how else to get an answer to my question except trust that she'd tell me. Obviously she had something to tell from the way she had actually said she might tell me. That was a step in the right direction. I guess?

Of course the fucking teacher Mr Banner never did play that fucking tape and I never got to find out in that lesson about what Bella saw when she had her little freak out sessions, not to mention that I still felt bad for calling it that in front of her and her actually starting to call it that herself.

So instead of really concentrating on the lecture that Mr Banner was giving us about cells and functions, I found my mind wandering to where only my mind wanders – To a land of self-hate, pissed off thinking and a whole lot of 'fuck', yes that is my mind.

She might not tell me now, but I was sure that I could get her to tell me in the future. I'd find out more and she'd get it off her chest. Not that the latter really mattered so much to me. Although I did find myself worrying about her and what she was like when she was around me. When we sat in the cafeteria she was quiet and collected, if I kicked her under the table gently, she didn't freak. When in biology, sitting at a usual distance from each other, she was fine. When she, Alice and Rosalie walked along arm in arm, she didn't even flinch. But when I reached towards her to help her stop choking or when I played a bit of music or even when I held her wrist for a mere few seconds, she freaked out as if someone had hit her. I felt like some person up there in the sky that was looking over Bella may have a grudge on me.

After Biology I didn't run off like before to get to Spanish. I waited around for Bella to get her books together and then walked her to gym. She didn't ask where I was going, nor why I was walking with her to her next lesson and I didn't ask myself it either, figuring that it was better that way. We both just walked along quietly until we neared the gym.

"I hate gym," Bella mumbled and I laughed at her sour mood. "Volley ball has never been fun and never will be. I don't even have to play it, because of this," she waved her plastered arm in the air. "But I still have to referee. Where is the justice in this world?"

When we reached the gym, Bella's face was a picture. Fear was illuminating from her eyes and her lips were pouted as if she was going to throw a strop.

"Break a leg," I smiled in a light hearted mood.

She groaned, "Don't. I probably will."

I laughed and left her by the gym, making my way to Spanish where I sat through one of the longest lessons of my life.

After the last lesson of the day I wandered over to my usual spot to have a cigarette, forgetting entirely that I had to pass the gym on the way and Bella might see me.

"Edward?" I heard the question from behind me as I wandered in the direction of the back of the gym.

Of course, nobody goes round the back of the gym except the fucking horny teens and me when I want a cigarette. So it was plain as day that I was up to no good.

I stopped in my tracks and winced slightly as if I'd been caught. When I turned, Bella was at the gym doors with her bag on her shoulder still from where she still hadn't been to her locker and her hair looking messy as if she actually had been taking part in gym, but I knew better and that it was just the way she looked now, like she'd given up.

"Where are you going?" She asked hesitantly as if she were scared of me.

"To have a cigarette," I stated, not really bothered if she knew, but hoping that she wouldn't tell Alice. "Care to join me?" Yeah Edward, as if she'd go and have a cigarette with you, she's probably scared you stub the cigarette out on her and start screaming again.

"I have to get home to cook dinner for Charlie," she pointed in the direction of the lot.

I shrugged, giving off that not bothered impression, but really thinking it was extremely caring that she cooked for her dad. Inconsiderate jerk I am, why I didn't just say 'oh, that's nice of you', I'll never know. But instead, I said, "Cool," yeah, I know. It's terrible. "Goodbye then. Oh, Bella?" She raised a brow. "Don't tell Alice about the cigarette."

She nodded and I watched as she walked away, her shoulders slumped and her bag pulling down at her weak looking shoulders. All the while wishing that I could be nice to her, like Jasper was nice to Alice or like Carlisle was nice to Esme. I wanted to say something considerate or charming, but I was too fucking narrow minded to think of anything but cigarettes and my own problems.

When she glanced back after walking away, she smiled at me. A genuine fucking little grin that I couldn't help but return, making me look like a right idiot standing there by the gym watching her. I shook my head and gathered myself before taking off to go and have my much needed and only cigarette of the day so far. I really needed to make more time for them.

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**A/N: Reviews are appreciated!**


	5. Elusive

**A/N: Okay, because I was asked and I guess some of you may be curious too... The drama between Rosalie and Emmett will be covered later in the story, but at the moment I'm focusing on the BxE stuff. Do not fear, all will become clear. Yeah, it's poetry!  
I warn you, there is drama, a decent dose of language nearer the end and I guess what you could call a bit of a cliffy? I guess it depends on how you roll. Enjoy!**

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BPOV

Charlie was sat in the living room watching a game whilst I unwrapped two pizza boxes, putting each one on a tray and then into the oven. Usually I would've suggested a take out, but there were two frozen pizzas in the freezer and I thought I might as well make use of my resources. Once the timer was on I set to preparing a salad and setting the table.

After dinner Charlie returned to the television and I went upstairs to do my homework, feeling very tired and in a trance. My mind was busy thinking through dilemmas and problems whilst also trying to complete homework. An accomplishment that did not take too much effort, because for some reason, I could remember facts that I'd learnt from my previous school in the advanced placement I'd been in. The few essays that I had been set were soon completed and packed away into my backpack.

My backpack…Edward had returned it to me earlier in the day, a favour I didn't expect from him. I would have thought Alice would bring it in, but she seemed to have nothing to do with it. Maybe they weren't very close? I could imagine if I had a brother, I'd try to spend as much time with him as possible. I had always wanted a big close family that looked out for each other – An older brother to scare away the bullies.

On the subject of family, I found myself thinking of my mom – Renee. I hadn't spoken to her since I'd arrived and it'd be good to check up on her. Plus, I was curious about a few things which I hoped she wouldn't mind answering.

I went downstairs and asked Charlie, who was half asleep with a beer in hand, laughing at the television. There was one of those sports presenters on there that all the guys liked and she was probably telling a joke that wasn't even funny. Charlie agreed to me using the phone, not actually knowing who I was phoning, but I didn't plan to let him know yet, hoping that he would assume it was a friend from school. After taking the wireless phone from the holder I retreated to my room for privacy.

The dialling tone sent my blood rushing as I waited for someone to pick up, somebody to answer. After a while it clicked off, so I re-dialled and waited for somebody to pick up the phone at my old home, tapping away at the side table next to my bed from impatience.

Again, the phone clicked. But unlike before, this time it went onto the answer phone. I waited through the small silence and then my mother's easily recognisable voice rung from the earpiece.

"Hello, I can't get to the phone right now, because I'm probably out partying," her recorded voice giggled. "Please call back later or leave a message! Bye."

My head ached from the sound and I felt numb, alone. It was as if I was in a dark room, the walls closing in on me, the ceiling high above me. Alone, I was so alone. I could hear footsteps and my heartbeat in my ears. A light was switched on from another room, the yellow glow pouring out under the doorway and stretching across the floor, not able to reach where I was. The phone beeped again and I heard my mother's voice repeat her earlier message as I cried into the receiver.

When I peeled back my eyelids, my eyes stung with tears and my limbs were shaking violently, I was curled up with my knees near my chin and my arms holding them there. The phone was still projecting a long ringing whilst I cringed further into the covers and attempted to push the phone away from me with a quivering hand until it rolled onto the floor.

As soon as it was off the bed I felt safer. My breaths shaky, I crawled under the covers and hid myself away from the world as I continued to cry.

--

My room was dark when I awoke. I didn't know what time it was when I had eventually fallen asleep. I rolled over on the bed, feeling like I had toasted the skin around my eyes from the crusty feeling. I rubbed against them with my fists and looked to see my alarm clock read 4:00am. _Ugh_.

I groaned and rolled back over across the bed, getting up from out of the tangled sheets to stumble out the room for a drink, my throat feeling hoarse, but there was a crack beneath my foot which stopped me in my tracks.

"Damn!" I squeaked to myself as I remembered what I'd probably just trod on – The phone.

I jumped back and felt around the floor for blindly; falling back onto the bed once I'd retrieved the fragile object. I prayed it wasn't cracked, feeling across the plastic in the dark before numbly punching in the number for messages.

The phone told me I had one message, which made my stomach lurch in hope that my mom had called back. I let the recorded voice drone on and then listened to the message, lying back against my bed and relaxing when her soothing voice spoke through the speaker. This time it didn't scare me, it was more of a relief to just hear her familiar voice.

"Hello Bella honey, I got your message. It worried me," ah, she'd probably heard my 'freak out'. "I hope everything is okay with you in Forks. I'm really busy at the moment so can't take any calls," there was a knock in the background that made me jump. "Oops, ha," she laughed. "I just knocked over a chair. Be good honey! I hope you are making lots of friends – I know you can. Love you," the last bit was a hurried whisper and sounded hoarse as if she was upset.

The message made me feel awful. I'd left a message on my moms answer phone of my 'freak out' session, so now I'd have to come up with some kind of excuse as to why I was crying, because she'd be right on the phone to Charlie and arranging for me to get a shrink if I told _her_ the truth. And as if that wasn't enough, I was letting her down. She thought I was good at making friends, but the truth is that I'd failed at Forks. I'd found one friend and stuck with her and also became friends with her best friend, but also probably scared the rest of her friends _and_ brother that she ate lunch with.

I was starting to realise the pressure of not being able to talk about what was going on in my head. It was building into a big cloud of knotted fear, anger and confusion, just waiting to drop the rain upon some innocent person that would be petrified at such a mess. Maybe I _did_ need a shrink…

Once again I'd let the phone roll off the bed and onto the floor, not feeling so thirsty anymore and letting my body just naturally cave itself in the sheets as if I'd numbly fall away into the oblivion of my mattress.

I didn't fall asleep. I lay there staring at my ceiling for the few hours I had left until Charlie would knock on my door to make sure I was up and getting ready for school. Sadly, I was beginning to fear school. It used to be the one place I felt safe, I remembered that. I used to try and arrange to be at after school clubs with Sally just to avoid the certainty of going home. Yet, I couldn't figure out why, which is what really made me feel sick. There was a void in my head that if refilled, would help me answer the whys, what's and when's.

And though school was beginning to make me cower into my home, my home wasn't safe now either. My home had the phone where Renee would call or where I could call Renee. And I didn't want to feel that again, that feeling of emptiness and alone, the feeling of not being able to get through to someone. It was something I feared most. Charlie as well, I couldn't risk him finding out what a liability he had for a daughter. I was supposed to be the girl he was proud of.

My mind couldn't help but meander down the route of what would happen in the day, striking possibilities such as where I'd freak out and who it'd be in front of, would Edward be there again? I was beginning to think that I should avoid him. Every time I 'freaked out' his bad luck would set in and he'd be left there with me, having to deal with whatever problem it was that I was having and that made me a liability to him too. I was a living burden. He didn't need that. I'm sure he was perfectly happy before I came along. I'd only known him for two days and already I was becoming the perfect annoyance in his school life.

I thought about what he'd said randomly at lunch the previous day. 'Memories.' Maybe they were memories, but how would I know that for sure? I couldn't remember them, so to see certain events again meant nothing to me. If only I could see the people in the memories, then I might remember. Maybe if it were something recognisable. And if they weren't memories, then I didn't know what they could be, possibly madness or just any illness that needed me to attend the nearest hospital or mental ward. I doubted they'd have one of them in Forks.

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Have you ever had that numb feeling where you have completely embarrassed yourself in front of a crowd, your face has gone completely red, you are crying, but you can't figure out why? Suddenly the world seems to close in on you and people are staring your way with that shocked expression that would then turn to laughter once your back was turned?

I have.

It was at lunch in the canteen. Alice, Edward and I had been queuing for our lunch and had just got a tray of food and a drink each before making our way back over to our regular table. Emmett and Rosalie were already sat, both at complete opposite ends of the table, not looking or communicating, leaving Jasper sat awkwardly in between. I felt sorry for him.

Alice skipped ahead, probably to join Jasper so that he didn't have to put up with the awkward atmosphere emitting from both Rosalie and Emmett, which left Edward and I walking together towards the table which was over the opposite side to the lunch queue, dodging tables and students as I followed Edward, both trying our best not to trip on anyone or anything. Neither of us made conversation as we walked.

A group of students had just flooded in, dressed in their sports gear and making a run towards the queue, one was clumsier than others and ran into the side of Edward, causing him to falter in his step and swing his elbow back accidentally, elbowing me on the collarbone ever so lightly, but for some reason that was little of my own understanding…I 'freaked'.

He hadn't hurt me and that was obvious to see for all the people in the hall. I even knew it myself. It had been a slight nudge on my collar bone, but he'd managed to stop the drink from falling on me. I'd wobbled back a bit and Edward had reached out instinctively to grab my arm to hold me up from falling, his tray balancing on his other hand.

He'd saved me from falling and completely making a fool out of myself, that was something to be thankful for, wasn't it? Once again it was one point to Edward and minus one to me. The scores were getting so unbalanced that I might just fall off.

"Jackass!" Edward growled towards the boy and then looked at me.

Once again, just like the times before, I was shaking like a leaf, my tears welling up and my head aching as my eyes rolled shut and I gasped in pain. It was just like the day before when he had grabbed my wrist. It was the same image of being grabbed, a hand out of nowhere that had a tight grip and was holding me in place.

I hated it, I didn't like it at all, I wanted him to just let go of me. I felt all my life drained from me, leaving me like a cocoon trying to helplessly shield my life from any touch.

"_Shit_," I heard Edward mumble in the distance.

I tried desperately to crawl out of the darkness to find him, to get away from the guilt that I was beginning to feel and the fear that was coursing through me. Repeatedly I told myself that it was fine, that _I_ was fine, that it was just Edward's hand on my arm, but it didn't work.

When my eyes flew open the light of the cafeteria flashed before me, making me squint. There was no noise around me, everything was silent. I would've expected to hear a ring of chatter, the plates and trays clattering in the kitchens, the sound of the vending machine, the sound of my own breathing, but there was nothing except the dead silence of a grave.

Eventually after a while my senses returned me and I hadn't been completely wrong, there _was_ dead silence except from the shrill screams that tore through my throat. I was on the floor, hugging my knees and trying to stay away from everyone. I didn't even remember moving, but I couldn't exactly start assuming that I had magically vanished and then reappeared there. That went against the force of gravity and so many other sciences.

Everything was taking time to register in my brain, one by one things came into focus and I realised the full extent of the situation. Edward was stood a little way away from me, a tray in front of him with food and drink spewed over it and the floor. It was my tray and for that I felt like an utter idiot. I didn't want to look around the cafeteria to see how much of a scene I'd caused, but I could tell that it wasn't good.

My face was burning and from what I could see, Edward looked pretty embarrassed too. He wasn't red cheeked and tearful like me, but his jaw was set in an angry fashion and he never once tore his eyes from me, the stupid freaky new girl that went mad every time I was touched by him. Why didn't he just ignore me? Or just run from the situation like I wish I could? Why was he stood there staring at me as if he was worried? I didn't deserve to be treated like that, at least not from him.

At least I'd stopped screaming. I could hear my nervous heartbeat now and the sound of the kitchens was there, sadly the noise of talking wasn't. Everybody was probably watching silently, awaiting my next move.

Edward's eyes watched me carefully as he stepped over the tray and crouched down in front of me. Never once did he look away, it made me feel like it was just me and him and nobody else was there. The slap of reality wasn't enough to keep that thought strong, but it made me feel warm and tingly whilst it lasted. I gazed back at him through my eyes that were swimming with tears, watching as he got closer to me and reached out his hand. I didn't grab it, instead I shook in fear. I didn't want him to touch me again. I didn't want him to let me fall into the darkness again.

Sooner than I expected I felt his hand on my arm, it was slightly cold and shaking too as if he was scared, but nothing happened. He just rested his hand near my wrist and as if he was testing his boundaries, gave the skin there a little squeeze. I flinched unwillingly and tried to move away from him. He didn't stop me.

I struggled to get up from the floor, but when I was unsteadily standing on two feet I made an awkward run for the door. I didn't bother to look around me and I refused to look back once I was at the door, shoving my side against it so that it would open for me and then proceeding down the hallway. He never stopped me and I didn't blame him.

I knew little of what I was really doing, or where I was running to. All I could think of was the look on Edward's face of rejection as I flinched away from him, alongside the face of him staring down at me when I'd opened my eyes. And if those two images weren't bad enough, there was also the terrorising fear of the fact that everyone had witnessed the scene in the cafeteria and I still didn't know what I was seeing. If it were memories, maybe my mom was right, maybe not remembering was an advantage, because maybe these memories were something I didn't want to see.

My legs carried me whilst my mind spun until I eventually found refuge under a tree at the side of the large field in the grounds of the school. The branches shaded where I sat from the faint glint of sun and also protected me from the everlasting rain that seemed to fall here. I could see the small world that was school from there. The old collection of rusted second hand cars that students had been given by relatives etc, were parked in the lot collecting beads of water whilst the greenery that surrounded most of the grounds sponged up the droplets of rain as if they had been living under desert conditions for months.

How did plants and people do that? Just keep sponging in all this information, whether it is good or bad and be unable to let it go, unable to squeeze the information out that had stored there. I was having a difficult time not being able to talk about what was going on in my head. I know I'd only been at the school for a matter of days, but so much had happened in such a little pocket of time that I didn't know how to react or what to do. Instead of fighting the fear, I was backing down and whimpering under a tree, letting the few droplets of rain that reached me mix with my salty tears. The fear of being diagnosed with something was taking over me, but I knew I couldn't live with this for long.

The sudden darkening overhead broke me from my misery as I looked up to see why the sun had darkened. Was there seriously going to be a storm? My luck was on an all time low and there really was no doubting the fact.

"I really need answers," were the words that fell from the lips of the shadowed figure that towered over me.

I felt myself begin to shake and cower back against the tree trunk, but luckily Edward moved, lowering himself to my level, his hair dishevelled and wet from the rain. He pushed a few strands back with a hand and then moved so he was sat against the large trunk next to me, making the distance between us closer than usual. It panicked me, but I tried not to show it. It was fine, it was all okay. At least that is what I told myself…I was beginning to grow accustomed to feeling fine and being fine. They were completely different things. Just like feeling fine and being insane. There was a fine line between the two in my case. A line that I was balancing on with very little time left before I fell.

**EPOV**

She fucking freaked again! It was as if I could predict it all. I really needed to avoid the girl. I was a magnet for bad things and I'd propelled all this bad energy onto Bella until she was practically drowning in it.

Unlike the times before, she scared me _a lot_. The way she'd just suddenly dropped her tray on my toes, not causing me any pain due to the distraction, and then fell to the floor before cowering away from me. It were as if it were all my fault and it made me feel so nasty and so in the wrong that the devil couldn't even let me into hell. That was how I felt, wrong, bad, stupid, idiotic, like it was my entire fucking fault. And I hated that, because this time the outcome wouldn't be me just keeping it to myself and Bella pretending for a little longer that she wasn't crazy. This time everyone in the fucking school had seen it. From the fall to the waking, they'd all watched in horror and would probably either blame me for it or pick on Bella.

When I'd crouched down in front of her and tested my boundaries with her, to see if I could help her and move her out of the cafeteria from the watching eyes, because she was in no fucking state to be just stared at, she'd got up of her own accord and ran. I didn't stop her. I let her run.

As soon as the doors closed the murmuring began, the questions, the accusations, the 'did you see that' all flooded around me and kept me crouched there in fucking utter shock. I didn't move, I just listened and grew angrier. They fucking knew nothing and had no right to accuse anything or anyone or even have _seen_ that. It was just so fucking wrong and messed up.

My temper was building, breaking through all the webs that had originally tied it down, because it was just too fucking much like rejection. Too much like it was my fault and I felt like this time I should try to stop it, try to stop the hurting before it led to something more, something worse. But I couldn't be a superhero and Bella couldn't be cured by a few kind words, but I didn't even have any fucking kind words.

I felt a little hand on my back that slid up to my shoulder and squeezed the muscle there. I felt the presence of someone small crouched by me. _Alice_.

"Come on Edward. Let's go outside."

I numbly got up and followed her, not looking at anyone else in the cafeteria and not even complaining, but instead finding solace in looking at the floor quietly as I followed Alice out of the canteen, my fisted hands shoved into my pockets.

We didn't stop walking until we were near the exit to the car lot. I leant against the hall wall and Alice stood opposite me, her mouth twisted into a sorry expression to match the rest of her face. She looked sorry for me, but it was genuine, it showed me that she hadn't accused me. She hadn't thought it was my fault, which was close to a compliment coming from Alice.

"Edward, you can't let that scene in there get to you," she mumbled, looking down the hallway to check nobody was near. "I know Bella had a moment and it looked like it was entirely your fault, but do us all a favour and don't blame yourself. We've got enough of a problem with Bella without you slipping into a depression."

I laughed slightly. "Too late for that Alice."

She rolled her eyes and leant against the opposite wall, mimicking my stance.

After a short silence, she started again, "Edward, do you remember how it felt to come back down from a crazed moment? Do you remember what it felt like when everyone stared and thought you were insane and laughed at you? Do you remember how lost it made you feel and how alone? Now times that by ten, because at least you knew what drove you to that crazed level. Bella doesn't. And I can't think of anyone better than you at the moment to go out there and understand her. She needs that."

I knew all too fucking well. I knew she'd played on my emotions there, shoved it into my perspective to make me feel worse. I had never really made the comparison myself, but when Alice put it like that it not only reminded me of past events, but reminded me of how fucking much I wanted someone to help me with it. I wanted the answers.

"I don't think—" I began.

"You need to stop thinking and believing Edward, because she's out there catching a chill and you are stood here feeling sorry for yourself," her voice was reaching a shouting volume. "For once don't be so bloody selfish and go find her."

With that she stormed off, leaving me there alone, processing everything. The memories she'd conjured up for me, the helplessness, the loneliness, the fear, the anxiety, the limits, the boundaries, the fucking unknown. She didn't deserve it, Bella didn't deserve those feelings. I couldn't just leave her out there now, not when I felt so fucking shit.

I shoved open the door and ran across the lot, scanning the surroundings for her. She wouldn't be hiding in a car, because her dad had given her a lift this morning and I doubted she'd run home. So she was somewhere in the grounds, because Alice seemed to just know that. I trusted Alice, so I stood outside through the pelting rain and looked across the land to find Bella.

It took a while, but I eventually spotted her all the way across the bloody field under a tree. The shadow made it more difficult to see her, but she was there alright and if it wasn't her, then obviously somebody else had had a fucking bad day too – A day bad enough to sit out in the pelting rain. I didn't go running over to her like in all those fucking perfect films, I fucking took my time walking, because I didn't have a _clue_ what I was going to say to her or ask her and I didn't know if I even wanted to be near her anymore. I didn't want to cause her anymore pain. The only thing that kept me walking was what Alice had said and the emotions that had made me feel.

When I was right under the tree I looked down on her little form, shivering from the cold and shaking because that's what she fucking did when she was scared. She looked up at me through puffy, bloodshot eyes. She'd been crying.

I didn't know what to say, the emotions washed over me, sweeping me away. I was too lost upon all the emotion that surrounded me to really think straight, but I remember saying the one thing that I really needed, I needed to know why.

"I really need answers," I said.

She fucking scared me then. Acting like she did in the cafeteria, cowering away. I thought she might freak again if I didn't move. I realised how intimidating I must've looked, towering over her, so I quickly moved in hope that it'd help. I sat next to her against the tree trunk and it wasn't even like the fucking normal way, but it didn't feel bad, she didn't freak, but I was still sat pretty close. It was just like a normal two people sat next to each other, some space to move, but not too much space to make it look awkward.

"You've got to tell me what's going on," I whispered only loud enough to be heard over the rain. "Otherwise I can't help."

She rubbed her eyes and leant her head back against the tree trunk. "Why would you want to help me? I've done nothing but make life hell for you since I've got here. I should go to a shrink."

"A shrink won't do you much good," I mumbled knowingly.

"How would you know?"

"Because they don't know what it feels like, not from a first hand account."

She raised an eyebrow questioningly and it made me regret what I'd said. I'd revealed too much, I'd let go of the disguise, I'd fucking dropped my guard all because I felt bad for this girl I'd met a few days ago. And that scared me. Because once my guard was dropped I was that fucking scared boy inside. I was vulnerable.

"And you do?" She whispered.

"There's a lot you don't know about me."

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**A/N: Ugh, mysteriously dark Edward has my heart and I have his secrets in a jar, awaiting to be unleashed on y'all. Reviews are always welcome!**


	6. Fade Out

**A/N: Writing this in an ill state, so I apologise for the wait and hope that this chapter is alright.  
If anybody is interested, the chapter name is taken from the Radiohead song: 'Street Spirit (Fade Out)'  
And so we continue...  


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EPOV

It was like I was fucking inviting her to ask about my past, like I _actually_ subconsciously wanted her to know and wanted to share it with her. Which was wrong in so many fucking ways, because I'd never shared that kind of shit with anyone, even Emmett and Jasper. Bella seemed to be different though, it was almost like after these few days of knowing her that I could trust her and I didn't usually trust many. My body seemed to be internally tugging at my mouth to tell her more than my mind would've liked to.

I'd spent the last few days helping Bella, not really getting to know her, but I guess if they were memories and she had really forgotten a lot then maybe there wasn't much to share. But it was as if I wanted us to work together to fight our problems, because frankly I was never fucking alright. I was told I never would be, but I fucking covered it up. Maybe I could teach her to do the same, but that'd mean she'd end up a fuck up, like me.

"There's a lot I don't know about me either," Bella laughed to herself, trying helplessly to lighten the mood that were as if we were stuck in the thick rain cloud pelting rain down upon us.

I smiled half-heartedly.

"Why did you have a shrink?" She asked quietly.

Because I'm a fucking insane maniac that shouldn't be fucking here talking to such a decent girl like you that has been so wrongly damaged that it's beyond fucking true! I wanted to shout that at her, I really did. I'd never really spoke to anyone about it before, but that was usually along the lines of what I really wanted to say. I wanted someone to know how really fucked up I was and I wanted someone to carry that weight on their shoulders for a bit instead of me, because sometimes it got too heavy and I felt like I couldn't cope anymore.

But I couldn't say it. Not to anyone and definitely not to Bella.

"Edward?" She prompted me.

I looked up to see her chocolate brown eyes watching me, still slightly bloodshot. They stood out so much against her pale skin along with her wavy hair that was wet from the rain and looked bedraggled slightly more than usual. And all I could think as I looked at her was that she really didn't ever deserve to be hurt and if I didn't help her, then she might. And I'd blame myself, because I had the opportunity to open up to her and in return have her to open up to me. If I didn't take that opportunity, then maybe both of our cases would worsen.

But I was a fucking chicken. I couldn't even get together the nerve to tell her anything. The devil on my shoulder was telling me not to trust her and that I only wanted to know what was wrong with her. I didn't go out there to tell her my life story.

"We should go back inside," I mumbled out of my own control, getting up from the floor.

"But—"

Those fucking little eyes watching me so tearfully, her little figure looking so weak and soaked to the bone from the rain, it was all so unfair. She was too innocent for me to treat her like I did with everyone else. Why did I have to be so fucking undecided?

I sighed and to be honest, I had no fucking clue what I'd say next. "I'll tell you on the way home."

"Home?" She asked.

"Yeah," I sifted through my mind to make sense of the bizarre decision I'd made. "You can't stay around school when you are this soaked." Ah, common sense was kicking in. "I'll give you a lift home."

"What about Alice?"

"I'll phone her. Rosalie will give her a lift home."

She nodded and got up from the floor, walking with me towards the car lot, shivering like a leaf as we moved as quickly as our ice cold legs could carry us. I was fucking numb.

We climbed in the Volvo and Bella was still shaking uncontrollably. Her lips were slowly turning blue and she looked even paler than her usual, paler than I thought possible. I couldn't have her shivering whilst I drove and tried to make conversation with her, so I reached into the backseat and got the blanket from there, passing it to Bella before fiddling with the heating settings, making all the warmth blow her way.

Once we pulled out of the school, Bella was quick to start conversation. "Why did you have a shrink?" The same question as earlier, but this time I really had no reason to avoid the question.

My heart was telling me to tell her, but something distant in my head was telling me that I should just keep it to myself. Fucking nobody should know.

So I didn't answer, again. Like the fucked up mess I was. I was being indecisive…again. I didn't talk to her all the way to her house and I knew I was being all pissed off around her, I was gripping the steering wheel and driving faster than usual, but I couldn't fucking care less at that moment. Everything that I'd tried so hard to hide from was coming back to me and being close to known that it hurt. All this truth and weakness, it'd all just fall and it wouldn't be my secret anymore, not even Carlisle, Esme, Alice and my secret anymore.

She didn't question me again; she didn't even look my way, and instead rested her head against the window, letting the warm air blow in her naturally curly hair as she watched the scenery outside.

When we pulled up to her drive, she didn't say anything and neither did I, which really pissed me off. She thanked me quietly just as she opened the door and walked off towards her house, searching for her keys in her coat pocket as she reached the front door.

I was so fucking indecisive.

**BPOV**

I walked up to the front door, feeling pretty disappointed and wanting to just fade into nothingness. The negative side of my brain had taken over and there was no defeating it. The only reason I could think of for him hesitating to tell me was that he'd made it up. Maybe he was pretending to have problems, just to make me feel better. Or maybe I was just too sensitive and a worry pot.

The time of day meant that Charlie wasn't home yet and I'd need to phone the school to tell them where I was. I didn't want a search party out there looking for me, after the lunch time incident I was in enough of a position to really be worried about. People might class me as mad and think that I'd have gone and done something reckless. I wish.

Fumbling around in my jacket pocket I found my keys and used them to open the door. That was when I realised that I'd left all my books and homework papers at school in my locker. I'd have to retrieve them tomorrow, but I suppose that meant a quiet evening and maybe an early night.

I was just shutting the door, not really concentrating on my surroundings or who was there, what was going on. I was just in my head – In my head where everything was a blur and confusing.

The door pushed back against my hand as If a strong gust of wind was going against it. I tried my hardest to push back, but the force was too strong. Of course, it wasn't wind, it was Edward.

"Why aren't you leaving?" I asked without really considering how rude that had sounded. He'd been decent to me and was the only person who was really looking out for me at the moment, because he knew. He knew more than I really wanted to let out to anyone. To talk to him so rudely was insulting. I quickly amended my mistakes before I felt too guilty. "Sorry, that was rude of me."

"Nowhere to go I guess?" He answered in question to my earlier question, his hand still on the door, but neither pushing nor pulling as he looked down at me. "I'm just as fucked up as you Bella."

At first it seemed insulting, but then a wave of happiness gushed around me, because that would mean I was not alone. I was _not_ on my own and I was not the only person who was suffering. I knew that from the start, but sometimes the thoughts and freak out moments made me feel like the stupidest person that had ever walked the earth. It was nice to have someone state that they were even with me. That was what I liked, it being even. I wanted it to be even between me and Edward.

I stepped back to let him through the door and into the hallway. He walked in and hung his soaking jacket on the rack before standing awkwardly in the hallway watching as I closed the door.

"Nice house?" He questioned the compliment which made me laugh. It was as if he was trying too hard to be like a character in a movie where the new friend gushes over the house to win brownie points. It didn't work with me, but I gave him credit for trying.

"Nothing special," I shrugged and walked into the kitchen, taking a seat at the table that Charlie had apparently built himself. I still wasn't sure whether to believe him on that one, I think it was just an attempt to make me happier than I had been when I first arrived here. A little cheer Bella up comment.

Edward took a seat opposite me and occupied himself by looking around the room, which was awkward to sit and watch, because it was as if I could almost feel how awkward he felt.

I'd asked a few times before. I wanted to know why he had needed a shrink. Besides the vast quantity and range of swearing that fell from his lips, he seemed normal, a normal teenager. But the curiosity in me forced me to one more time ask the question, "Why did you need a shrink?"

He sighed again, just like before. And again, I alleged that he would not provide me with an answer, but just as the disappointment was beginning to weed itself around me, he shifted in his seat and opened his mouth to answer.

"When I was eight my blood parents died," He spoke faster than I'd expected, but didn't explain why or how his parents had died, just stated it like fact. His face held a hard look and he only looked angry, no other emotions were there as he stared away from me. "I remember that pretty well, but anything before is fucking gone. I don't remember what they were like, if I had any nicknames, where they'd take me on holiday, who read to me before fucking bed time. It's like my relationship went down the fucking drain with them."

My heart sunk and my throat clogged up, stopping me from the capability of swallowing or speaking. For a few moments there was an awkward silence before I managed to compose my shock and sadness for Edward. I didn't talk, I didn't say sorry. I doubted that'd make things better, but instead I did something completely out of my comfort zone. I reached out across the table and took his hand, a gesture I'd never used with him. It was a gesture that told him I was here, that I was listening and not judging him. I hoped that he understood that.

At first I felt a twinge and I panicked that I'd have another freak out moment, pulling my hand back somewhat. However after a few moments it passed and Edwards hand reached to mine as an alternative. I slowly placed my hand in his open palm. There was no holding or gripping, but just the simple warm contact of each others hands. It was pleasant…

He looked at me this time as he continued his explanation, "I got fostered a few times before Carlisle and Esme came along. Alice was my age and when I met her she was dressed up like a little princess. I was fucking attached to her and we became best friends through the rest of our childhood. She was like a real sister to me, a proper fucking angel of a sister. And Carlisle and Esme always treated me just as they did Alice. We were looked after and fed, clothed and taken to school and many people couldn't believe that I was adopted; we all just got along so well. But I knew it wouldn't fucking replace that void that I so much longed to know of, that I still don't fucking know of."

He carried on, "Although it looked like a fucking happy family and they never treated me as if I was traumatised, but I _was_. I was fucking screwed up. I can remember that night so well and it fucking petrified me. Certain things in life would have to be avoided so that I didn't have a breakdown. And when Carlisle noticed that it was the reasoning behind my unruly behaviour, he got me a shrink. A fucking useless shrink that charged Carlisle overall the same amount that he'd paid for his car at the time. He'd always tell me that it was worth it, to get me fixed."

He was 'fucked up'. I sympathised with him. I could just imagine him all small and scared, crying at things that normal people took for granted. He'd edited it, he'd missed some things out so that I didn't feel too sorry for him, but I didn't frown upon that. It meant enough that he'd told me this.

When he looked away distractedly, I thought the conversation was over and was beginning to think of ways to abolish the awkward aftermath. But to my surprise, he looked back and began speaking again. I'd managed to get the lid off of him and his jar of secrets and now all of his contents were coming out, they were being laid upon the table in front of us – Bare and broken parts that he needed to be fixed to keep going.

"I'm a fuck up Bella, I know that. And I can't change the past now. I'm more fucking composed than I ever was back then. But I know that shrinks don't work, because I'm still fucked up in my mind and I still have the occasional nightmares and breakdowns. I just have taught myself to control them and hide away from people. If I don't connect to people then they don't have to fucking know. I get angry too, I get so fucking far gone sometimes that I can hurt people, you realise that Bella?"

I suddenly felt intimidated. The way he was asking and swearing so much, the way that he seemed so passionate, but so angry about it. I sunk down in my chair and felt myself begin to shake_. Not again_, I told myself, _not again_.

He looked away and put a hand over his face, shaking his head as he did so. At one point I could swear that he whispered a sorry, but I couldn't be sure. I was too busy trying to concentrate on _not_ freaking out. I was becoming paranoid.

"Memories Bella, memories did this to me," he whispered quietly. "It's what I think is happening to you. And you don't deserve to be like this, nobody does."

I didn't know how to reply. I sat there and stared as he still refused to look up. I watched his shoulders rise and fall slowly as he breathed in and out, enjoying the silence and letting myself think over what he'd said – _memories_. It was difficult to work out if it _was_ memories though, like I'd worked out before – how was I supposed to know when I didn't remember in the first place.

Suddenly the sound of the door slamming open frightened the life out of me. The bang echoed around us and I jumped out of my chair. Leaving me standing so I was then face to face with Charlie who stood in the doorway, his face red and angry as he looked towards Edward.

He looked angry and…scary.

"Get out!" He shouted at Edward fiercely who jumped in fright a bit, but managed to regain composure quicker than a shaking me. "GET OUT!"

Edward stood up sharply and looked in my direction, his eyes growing wide as I realised I was crying. I didn't even know why I was crying. Edward didn't move after Charlie shouted at him a few more times, repeating himself.

I couldn't hear any words that left Edward's lips. All I could hear was ringing, an endless high pitched ringing. I watched as Edward moved towards me and in response Charlie moved closer, his facer growing redder as he continued to shout. Why was he shouting? Edward had done nothing wrong, I was fine. Well, I _had _beenfine.

I managed to mumble a few words which I could hear perfectly well over the ringing in my ears, but couldn't be sure if it reached Charlie or Edward. "Edward's done nothing wrong," I whispered and fell back onto my chair, bringing my hands to my head as the aching pulsated. I tried to control my breaths and fight the darkness, not watching Charlie or Edward, not wanting to know what was going on, zoning myself out of the situation, and trying to imagine myself somewhere ideal, somewhere beautiful and calm. Somewhere that was quiet. And strangely enough…it worked.

The ringing calmed and I looked up to see Edward leaving the room and Charlie following post-haste. But Charlie wasn't gone for long, he was soon back and still looking angry as he breathed deeply and shook his head as he leant against the kitchen counters, his palms gripping the edge of the surface.

After some time that allowed his face to return to it's usually skin tone and his deep breaths to slow, he pushed back from the counter and looked at me.

"I heard about your _incident_," he stated, his voice was hard edged. "Why didn't you check out of school? I was worried sick when they called me regarding your whereabouts Bella. I thought something awful had happened, I didn't think of you as the type to ditch school, but when they explained the incident…Then it became a different matter entirely."

Damn, I'd forgotten to call the school. I'd brought that upon myself, but he didn't have to freak out at Edward.

"I don't want you hanging around with that Cullen boy." His voice had returned to that calming fatherly tone. "He's a bad seed Bella, he's mucked up and I don't want you getting like that. I thought you had enough sense to stay away from him after lunch. He hurt you didn't he? What's going on? Is he hurting you?"

Damn, damn, damn. Obviously everyone had interpreted the lunch scene as Edward's fault and now we were both going to pay. We were both going to have to pay for my stupid reaction to being pushed a little. Charlie wouldn't believe me even if I tried, but it was the only response I could think to say, the only thing that sounded normal enough. "Edward hasn't done anything wrong," I mumbled.

"Oh, don't try that crap with me Bella. Just promise you that you won't hang around with him. He's a nasty piece of work and if he hurts you again, then I won't be so gentle this time."

He called that response gentle? What was he, a thug?!

I didn't reply, because I felt so annoyed and such a mess that I didn't know what to do with myself. Just when I thought I'd found someone who could understand me, someone to discuss everything with, I was having him taken from me. I was being put in an invisible playpen where I wasn't allowed to play with the other kids, only the kids that were put in the pen occasionally were _allowed_ to talk to me. Only the kids that my dad approved of were allowed.

I felt defeated and let down along with confused and all the other mixed blender of emotions that I had felt lately. I needed to escape, but the only way to get away for now was to go to my room. A place I can hide and not reappear from until morning. If I feigned sleep, Charlie wouldn't make me cook dinner and instead order a take out. I could do that – Easy. Because at the time, I really couldn't be bothered to cook and I really needed to be away from him.

When I walked out to the hall, Charlie didn't comment on it. He let me go. On the front door mat was a screwed up ball of paper that must've been dropped there. I thought about how it could have been from my pocket or Charlie's, the possibilities were endless and my curiosity needed to be fed.

I picked up the paper and then scurried to my room, closing the door with my foot as I unfolded the scrap from its twisted and moulded shape. There on the lined, crumpled sheet was a neat scripture that clearly read a number with the words 'if you want' written underneath. I recognised the script straight away. Sitting next to Edward in Biology had paid off. He had left this deliberately. He'd probably posted it through the letter box after he had been shooed away. It didn't matter, either way I had his number, which was good, because I could do with giving him an apology and if I didn't say I was sorry to him tonight, then I doubted I'd sleep.

I dialled the number awkwardly on my cell phone and waited for the dial tone to pass, then listening and relaxing as Edward's familiar velvet voice rung through the ear piece. He sounded chilled, calm. Maybe he knew it'd be me? After getting over the teenage girl moment of the fact that I was on the phone to Edward Cullen, I managed to say a very quick and short sorry.

Seeing as he was the stubborn type and I could be consistent, the playful argument over me apologising and him saying that I had done nothing wrong to apologise _for_, we were there for quite a while. Then there was silence, a comfortable type that allowed me to just lie on my bed peacefully as I listened to his slow steady breaths in the ear piece, it was like listening to someone sleep. I lay there and thought through things, through my problems, Edward's problems, general problems. That was until he spoke up and caused me to realise the damp feel of my cheeks.

"Bella?"

"I need to get away," I whispered to Edward, sniffing slightly.

"Away?" He replied.

"Charlie knows about today and he has been threatening and I just…I want to see you," I sniffled pathetically.

Of all the people, why would _he_ want to see me? I could've suffocated myself in my pillow with shame. I was being absurd. I was seventeen. I could cope with this kind of stuff! Obviously, I had just proven that I couldn't.

It was a few moments after I had told him what I wanted that he surprised me by agreeing to meet. It was dark outside, but he told me to sneak out and meet him by the road.

And just as he'd promised, he was there in the Volvo, waiting on the path with his lights off to avoid being noticed by Charlie. I snuck from my window. Using the trellis on the wall that was so pointless and unattended to that originally I had planned to tempt Charlie into getting rid of it. But it had just become extremely useful.

I made sure to sneak away from the house quietly and paid extra attention to where I walked so to avoid cracking a random tree branch that may have fallen on the grass. When I reached the Volvo, I slowly opened the door and closed it behind me, turning to see a smiling Edward at the wheel, his hair wet and messy. He'd obviously showered.

"Where to?" He smiled.

"Take me anywhere but here, anywhere but near Forks High School."

"I know just the place," he smiled before twisting the key in the ignition.

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**A/N: Oo, Edward is so yummy, but so 'Fucked up'. Reviews make Edward evermore knowing!**


	7. Give and Take

**A/N: Phew, I finally updated. Apologies to anybody who I told about updating earlier. Hectic times. But with a whole bunch of free time, expect another chapter very soon.**

**Thanks once again for the support, some of your messages and reviews were lovely to read. Hooray for my regular review Squad-lings. Wierd word.**

**About the whole Charlie Over-Reacting situation. The C.O.R. I don't know why I just abbreviated that, it just felt right. Hopefully this chapter will reveal a bit about the COR situation - if you still need a bit more explanation I've added some info in the second A/N.**

**Thanks to anyone who wished for me to be better soon. I am back up and running like a health machine. Hooray for salad leaves.**

**Anyway, over the rambling process...**

**Here's a Bella chapter for you to gobble up.**

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**BPOV**

I sunk into the chair of his car, melting into the scent that was Edward, Alice, his car and everything I knew from this new life in Forks all in one. I felt warm and comfortable and although the strange events had mostly occurred around Edward, I felt like I was safe, because in one sense we were equals.

He drove quietly through the dark, leaving the music off which I supposed was a good thing and just sitting in silence. It wasn't awkward, nor was it intimidating. It was soothing to hear the hum of the car engine and the sound of the wind whipping pass the car shell as we turned around the dark, hidden corners of Forks roads. I had never been here in this area, the roads were not familiar. Edward really was leading me away from Forks high school and away from home.

In a way it was worrying. I was getting further from home and in the dark with someone I hadn't known very long at all.

After the silence and when I could see we were nearing a row of street lamps, he slowed down and turned his head slightly so that his eyes were still on the road, but he was talking to me. "Do you like milkshakes?" He asked.

I nodded, not really feeling like talking at the current time and the smile on his face showed me that he had seen the response. He pressed his foot down and the car went surging towards where the street lights were, driving past empty streets and empty buildings. Almost everything was closed, except a few bars and restaurants. I didn't have a clue where we were, it was hard to recognise anything at night. But knowing about the complete lack of business around Forks, I guessed that we might be in Port Angeles.

Edward parked up on a curb and leant his head back against the car seats head rest, then tilting it so he'd look at me. He simply stared and I stared back, not really knowing what to do. It didn't make me uncomfortable; it just made me feel relaxed, because it wasn't a piercing stare or anything nasty, it was like he was trying to look into my mind, trying to figure out what was really going on in there.

He unplugged his seatbelt and got out of the car, coming around to my side to open the door for me – Being a proper gentleman. I unplugged my seatbelt and joined him on the pavement.

"Milkshakes," he smiled, pointing in the direction of some lit up shops.

I walked along beside Edward, not too closely, as we made our way towards the lit up shops, cafes and restaurants. Outside a bar on the other side of the road were a few men staggering around shouting numerous comments and looking like they were close to throwing up as they grasped at anything for support. Edward didn't comment on it, but I saw him watching them carefully for any movement that could be directed at us, closing the gap between us a little more as we walked.

When we arrived at a little café between two shops, Edward stopped and smiled. "Milkshakes," he stated again awkwardly, holding the door open for me.

The sign above the door read _Baskins Robbins_ and a bell sounded when we walked over; signalling a member of staff to ask us how many people that the table was for. Edward did the talking and we were then led to a small table near the back.

The seats were leather and squashy, coloured red with wooden frames and the table top was an off cream colour. The colour scheme reminded me of strawberry Campino candy or strawberry and cream lolly pops.

Edward had in fact made a big deal of going far back and private from all the people near the front of the shop, which wasn't many. I doubted we'd be overheard talking if that is what he was worried about. The music from the stereo behind the cashier was loud enough to drown most talking out, but not too loud.

"Can I take your order?" A young girl asked who suddenly appeared at our table, dressed in a casual outfit with an apron over the front, her hair tied up into a bun.

She looked friendly and ever so laid back, her smile making me feel comfortable as she took our orders of Vanilla and Strawberry milkshakes. When she wandered off I caught Edward watching her go, which for some weird reason felt wrong and my face probably showed a bit of sadness on it, because Edward looked surprised when he turned back to look at me.

"Alright?" He asked and I nodded.

"Why did you bring me here?" I asked out of pure curiosity.

"You don't like it?"

"No, no. It's very cute. I was just curious."

"Oh," he smiled. "I guess you just looked like you needed a milkshake."

I laughed a little, "and what does an 'I need a milkshake' face look like?"

"Well it's not so much the face, I think it's the posture. Milkshake needing is all about the posture you know?"

"Oh, of course!" I said overdramatically, pretending to go along with it.

"Slouchy shoulders, head down," he began to list before I gave him a playful kick under the table. "Hey!"

I smiled smugly and then we both started to giggle childishly. It seemed so natural to be around him, to just be me without having to be careful about freaking out. He'd seen it all before. Although, I still worried about how it affected him, I worried about it a lot.

After a few minutes of giggling and making the waitress paranoid about herself by our laughing as she delivered the drinks, we managed to compose ourselves. Edward took the Vanilla and I slurped up the strawberry milkshake through a straw. Neither of us spoke for a while, soaking up the peaceful atmosphere and listening to the loud, but calm track that was playing behind the bar where the staff made the milkshakes.

"Bella, what did you see?" Edward asked quietly, calmly, peering over his shoulder to see who was around. "Tell me what you see when you…"

"Freak out?" I finished his sentence for him after his own struggle. "It differs."

"Okay," he tapped his fingers against his chin before taking a sip from his vanilla milkshake. "How about, the first time in the cafeteria?"

I pondered over it for a moment. It wasn't a problem of not remembering, but more figuring out whether to tell him or not. I worried that he'd tell someone or be first to turn me into a shrink and tell them everything. Maybe he'd tell Charlie. I didn't want that. But when I watched him watching me back, it blew my guard. I had managed to trust him so far and I didn't seem capable of resisting telling him things. He'd told me his story, he'd told me he wanted to help me and he'd bought me a milkshake and taken me away from my home when I had needed to get away, I owed an explanation, just like he'd said before.

"The first time, it was weird. Weird, because I remember it so clearly, when I closed my eyes it was as if I had moved to another place. I figured that the choking started the panic; I'd been eating an apple and you'd looked at me – it made me feel awkward. Then I closed my eyes and I saw this boy in a chair in a dark room. There was a man and," I sniffled. "He said 'hello', just like you did and he started to make this boy choke, he was strangling, strangling the boy. Then, when I opened my eyes…your hand," I felt myself shaking as I told him, pointing at his hand that was resting upon the table around a glass of milkshake.

I couldn't help but imagine the glass not being there and that made his hand the shape of a hand that wants to strangle you. In self defence and with the reasoning of a glass shape I found myself cowering into the chair.

Edward's eyebrows were raised. Maybe he was waiting for more stories. I didn't think I could tell anymore.

I felt tears in my eyes and felt disappointed in myself. Once again I had shamed myself in keeping under control and 'normal'. Suddenly the idea of escaping from home took a negative turn. At least I could wrap myself in the sheets there and hide from the world if I wanted. Here it was so open and people could see me, Edward could see me. Anyone and everyone could just watch me freak out over a milkshake holding hand. The dismal situation was an embarrassment.

I wanted to go home…

"Bella?" Edward's voice was calm. "What did you think my hand was going to do?"

My lip trembled and I felt guilty as I spoke the words. "It looked like you were going to strangle me."

Edward raised his eyebrows. "Okay, no more strangling looking hand," he smiled as he let go of the glass and put his palms flat on the table. "I promise I won't hurt you."

In a way his words and questions were therapeutic and I don't think even Edward realised. He was probably trying to just avoid attention from the people in the Café. I still seemed to naturally refuse the fact that he wanted to help me. It just seemed so weird for someone like _him_ to help _me_.

I nodded to reassure him that I understood, but not completely sure how far from the truth my nod was. It seemed to please him anyway.

"Can I try something?" He asked quietly.

I nodded again feeling more comfortable when he asked permission, because then I could ready myself and mentally prepare my tolerance for being touched by someone. At first I'd expected a question or something, but then he looked down at our hands, both upon the table but away from each other.

I'd never really thought about it much before, but Edward and I had never really touched normally. Like normal friends or people. He'd helped me out of his car and a few other times he'd touched me to help me, but on any other occasion I'd freaked out.

He slowly lifted one hand from the table and edged it forwards, reaching for where my hand was, fisted up and facing my other hand, my elbows both on the table. I watched nervously, remembering the times he'd touched me before and I'd screamed or cried, trying to push them to the back of my mind, trying to not let them affect me.

His hand was barely an inch away from mine now, his skin so close that if I flinched then we'd touch, but I managed to stay still as he closed the gap. The feeling of his skin on mine only lingered for an instant, warm, cold, claustrophobic, but free. There were mixed emotions as his hand laid itself over mine, but suddenly out of a gut reaction, I pulled my hand back, cradling it to my chest.

"Sorry," I breathed.

Edward smiled sadly and then sat back watching his milkshake as if it were doing something interesting. "It's always me," he murmured.

"Pardon?" I asked, not really taking in what he said at first.

"You never pull away with Alice, Rose, Emmett or Jasper – only me. Do I scare you or do you just hate me?"

My mouth was open wide in shock. He was assuming I hated him? That was completely unnecessary and it hurt me more than I was really expecting. I was completely dumfounded. I thought he was supposed to be the one who understood me.

"Sorry. I didn't mean…" he leant forwards and buried his head in his hands, his elbows either side of his milkshake.

Then I acted out of impulse, not really thinking about what I was doing besides trying to prove myself. I wanted him to understand completely and I knew that words wouldn't do that. Actions spoke louder than words and in this situation that phrase was more than plausible.

I reached out to where his left hand was in his hair, the knuckles whiter than the rest of his skin from the tight grip he held. I analysed his hands, his posture, his hair, taking in everything that was him and what he was doing so that I could stay calm and only think of what he was like now. I didn't want to remember what he was like when I first met him in the cafeteria, nor when he was in his car taking me home. No, this was all about the singular moment where he was sat in the Café on a Friday night and unaware of my plans and actions. He couldn't have any influence on my thoughts and actions and I felt like I was slightly in control. Ultimately it made me feel better.

Once again our skin was so close, mere inches, but he was still so unaware. I closed the gap and placed my whole hand over his so that his warm skin was underneath my own. Nothing negative could be felt there. I even managed to withstand his twitch when I first placed my hand there, probably surprising him.

I slowly pried his fingers from his hair and lifted the hand from his head, bringing it down to the table so that I could hold it in a usual manner, his palm face up and mine in his, his thumb moving so that it was just over my hand on the top, but that was okay, because I was still in control of the situation and his grip was neither too tight nor loose, just right so that I could pull away at any time.

I looked up from my concentrated gaze and saw Edward looking right at me, a crooked smile playing on his lips and a twinkle in his eye. He looked proud and that only radiated onto me.

I was holding his hand and there were neither strings attached nor consequences. This was such a natural humane thing to do, but it had surprisingly taken a great deal of effort for me. The success I'd gained from it made me smile right back at Edward feeling so confident in myself that I wanted to just hug him, but luckily reality and my conscience kicked in to restrain me from taking it a step too far.

"I did it," I smiled happily and Edward nodded.

"It seems to work when it's you leading."

I nodded back.

"Let's compromise. You warn me when you are going to do some shit like that and I'll warn you right back when I do the same."

I nodded again, realising that he wanted us to be able to hold hands more often or maybe even do more than that, maybe even hug. The thought of it made me smile.

We both slurped on our milkshakes for a bit, our hands still linked.

I thought to back up the gesture and assure that my message was loud and clear, I'd correct his earlier thoughts, "Edward, I don't hate you. I want you to help me."

_I want you…_ I didn't speak the words aloud, but they shocked me nonetheless. I had never thought of him like that, I never thought I would. The excitement of being able to hold his hand was getting to me and I needed to calm down.

"Let's go," he smiled once the milkshake glasses were empty, and stood up, placing a bill on the table.

My hand felt small in his, but it felt like a little bit of protection from the world. Neither of us grasped too hard, but the feeling was there, the feeling of being there for each other. I wanted him to help me and I wanted to help him and it was the same way for him, I assumed. The hand holding seemed to clarify that.

When we left the Café I must have looked much happier than I had when I come in and pretty pleased with myself, because when I subconsciously looked back towards the table to see if we'd left anything, the young girl that had given us the milkshakes smiled and winked at me, looking back and forth between my hand in Edward's and my smile. My smile only grew wider in response before turning so that I didn't walk straight into the door like a moron.

"Is something pleasing you Miss Swan?" Edward spoke in a put on well spoken accent, holding the door open for me.

"Pride, Mr. Cullen. One would not think such an emotion could affect one so much." I played along.

He laughed a tuneful laugh and clicked the unlock button on his electronic car key so that the beep of the car locks echoed on the street. He walked me around to the passenger door and held it open, allowing me to get in and then shut the door before moving to get in on the other side.

My hand felt surprisingly empty after he'd taken his hand from mine causing the pride to leave me. It wouldn't last forever, I knew that. There were more pressing matters to learn about and become proud of before I could be happy. But I still couldn't help but miss that moment of joy.

I knew that I'd have to go home now. It was late and I was feeling tired. If I was out for too long then Charlie might even go and check on me.

Little did I know – he already had…

--

When we arrived back at mine, Edward parked a little way down from the house's drive, avoiding being seen if Charlie was still awake. We both said goodbye and I gave a weak smile and wave to seal it. There were no hugs – the aspect of going to the lengths of more than a hand in his was frightening now, now that the haze of joy had lifted. It wasn't his fault, I knew that and I hoped he did too, but there was something about him that scared me for the completely wrong reasons, but I would get over that eventually.

He waited in his car as I walked towards the house and I only heard him turn the engine back on when I was just about to sneak into the shadows to reach the trellis on the wall to my window. But my sneaking plans changed as I saw a silhouette of a figure sat upon the front step, waiting for something – Waiting for me.

Charlie.

I surrendered my sneaking and walked over to where he sat. The lamp on the front step illuminated enough of its surroundings to be able to see his face and expression. Although, surprisingly, he didn't look annoyed or disappointed in me. He just looked plain and upset.

"Hey Ch—" I corrected myself, "Dad."

He got up from the steps and opened the door for us both, never once looking at me, but just leading the way over the threshold and then closing the door behind us. I went into the kitchen, because it was obvious he wanted to talk to me about something or other, or just completely explode in a fury again. Either way, I could imagine the result would be futile. Whatever he said probably wouldn't make my situation any better or worse so I mentally prepared myself for the onslaught and sat at the table, my hands wrapped in each other as if I were trapping a bit of the memory of Edward in them. I didn't want to let that hope go.

It was a strange thing that something that brought pain to me also managed to bring hope. I wouldn't ever let go of that hope.

Charlie sat opposite me and occupied himself with arranging the salt and pepper pots so that they were perfectly aligned in the centre whilst he recollected his thoughts.

"Is—" It was his turn to get the name thing muddled. He coughed and began again, "Bella, I apologise for my outburst earlier. You have to understand that your situation is very fragile. I know you can't remember a lot of previous years and that worries me. If people know of this, then they can take advantage of you. They could do something to you and you may not remember how to deal with such things."

He sighed and shook his head. "You have to understand that there is probably a lot that Edward isn't telling you and he's not one to get mixed up with, not when you are in such a fragile—"

"Stop calling me fragile," I spat furiously. I didn't like it. I didn't like that the word gave me such a negative look and made me look weak. I wasn't weak, because I was getting through this and trying to get to the bottom of it whether my parents liked it or not. If I had to hang out with a boy that I shouldn't be getting mixed up with, then so be it. I would. It was better than the pain of not knowing and being confused.

"Bella, please," Charlie was the calmer one. The joy of the earlier events of the evening had passed for me and I was getting angry again. "I don't want you hanging around with him. I know that you went out with him earlier and that worries me even more, but I hope that was only an act of rebellion. Not a regular meeting."

"Dad, seriously, this is stupid."

"Try telling your mom that." He pulled the mom card on me. I felt my heart swell in guilt. "She went through the trouble of sending you here to keep you out of trouble and protect you. To throw that back in her face would be an insult."

"I don't understand," I whispered.

"I've said too much. Just promise me that you will stop hanging around with Edward."

I shook my head. I couldn't promise such a thing.

"Bella—"

"Dad, honestly, Edward's done nothing but help me since I got here." I managed to keep my tone calm. "Whatever rumours you've heard, well I'm sure that they are _just_ rumours. I'm going to bed now. Don't wake me up in the morning."

And with that, I went upstairs fully intent on doing as I said. I wanted to sleep and nothing more. The thoughts of what my dad had said were whirring in my mind and making me doubt things, but I tried to shut them off, to just sleep. But the thought of Edward being dangerous enough for my dad to know about was a probing matter and I had the whole weekend to ponder over the matter.

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**A/N: Reviews make holding hands evermore joyful.**

**Originally the hand holding thing wasn't going to be a big deal, but I figured it was cute and would help with the rest of the story and progression.**

**So... The C.O.R. Situation.**

**Charlie obviously knows more about Bella's situation and is being protective over her. Renee has contacted Charlie and Charlie has been left with the responsibility of looking after a young girl that is supposedly 'fragile'. Like Charlie was trying to get across to Bella, Edward is a bad seed and to have someone like that near your daughter you could assume they may take advantage of her 'fragile' state. With the rumour of the ordeal at school and nobody yet understanding Bella's situation and what Edward has to do with it, what people in the cafeteria saw was a different perception to how Bella and Edward took things and these views may have then been passed along and changed like Chinese Whispers when they reached Charlie. The C.O.R situation was fuelled by the story of what had happened in the cafeteria, his protective fatherly side and Bella's past. The latter being the subject that will be uncovered more and more very soon.**

**I hope this explains all. :)**


	8. Hold On

**A/N: Yes, I know... The fast update is amazingly, incredibly, super-duper Wow. Who would have thought it! The truth is, I have too much time on my hands right now, so I have been using a lot of it on writing. Hopefully this chapter is cool with you guys. I wanted to add a bit of drama, a few hints to background and a bit more hand holding.**

**Enjoy...**

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**EPOV**

It had been exactly two weeks since the events of the milkshake café where Bella had made progress of holding my hand and she'd also told me about one of her memories – The one from the first day in the cafeteria.

She had had the cast taken off after a speedy recovery on her arm and since the milkshake in the café the progress she'd made was starting to look upwards and she could only wear a little fucking smug smile on her face at lunch times when she'd hold my hand under the table, out of view of the others and discretely enough to not draw attention from passers by. As secretive and weird as the action was, I fucking adored it.

After the school events on the Friday, the Monday back was a struggle. People were giving her fucking crazy looks and wouldn't let her walk to lesson without giving her some shit. I tried not to talk to her in front of anyone, I tried that the first day back and people just got worse, starting to shout at me and fucking cause more trouble than I really wanted.

Although, strangely for the students at Forks, the phase of picking at Bella and firing me dirty looks died down after a few days, maybe it was because of that fucking idiot Newton who managed to catch his own sleeve alight in Chemistry or maybe it was because some kid called Angela started dating Ben off the football team. I barely knew of these people, but if they were the types to get the rest of the student body fucking off of mine and Bella's back then so be it.

And as a result, I began to spend every free moment of my school time with her, talking about things she could remember from when she was little, the memories that weren't fucked over during whatever had happened that had resulted in her forgetting. She remembered little specific details about things such as her first bike and remembered the reason behind her mom and dad splitting, resulting in her moving from Forks to Phoenix in the first place.

She'd tell me something and I'd ask more questions about it, delving deeper and being pretty fucking daring about it all. I knew it was risky, because I could completely fuck up the progress she'd made with a single probe too far in the wrong direction of thought, but deep down I was hoping and bloody praying that one question and answer could spark off another memory.

I hated to see her face droop when the answer couldn't be found or when she struggled to remember a name or look on someone's face when they reacted to her.

We spoke about things that usual friends wouldn't talk about, the fucking little things that people forget, such as the first person you spoke to in kindergarten or the first taste you can remember and I think that brought us closer together. I remember during the process that I had to go through. The fucking dick head shrink would ask me for specific details on things and try to get the little tales of events from me. I hoped it would work better for Bella coming from me.

In return for her answering my questions, she would ask me some back, about my earliest memory and my first pet, simple things that you'd fill out on a questionnaire when you are in first year to prove your understanding and to give the teacher a bit of background on you – Fucking useless information really that we seem to carry with us forever.

The rest of our friends were suspicious at first, but Alice dealt with them, always managing to avoid the topic and acting as if it were natural that Bella and I spoke a lot. We only left them whenever we couldn't cope with the fucking noise of the cafeteria or when we just had free time in the day, never trying to draw attention to the fact that we seemed to enjoy the time with each other. It was weird that and a thing that I couldn't really fucking place right. I actually liked talking to her; I liked hearing her little memories of playing in a sand pit and painting pictures of frogs and cactus for her mom.

Two weeks after the milkshake café, Rose had decided to invite everyone to hers for a movie night, including Emmett. Things had seemed to cool off between the bear and dolly – about fucking time too. Emmett hadn't told me or Jasper anything of the situation and Alice said that Rose was quiet and preserved about it too, which only made Alice evermore suspicious and craving for information, tempting her too far to the boundaries of confidentiality.

Chief Swan had given Bella permission to stay at Rose's after a conversation on the phone to Rose's parents about Bella's 'fragile' state, making Bella out to be a recovering mental patient. It was a conversation that Chief Swan thought Bella had not even fucking heard. Yet, Bella told me about it the next morning and had panicked about Rose working anything out. Luckily, Rose was a bright as sunshine on the day of the movie night and showed no sign of spreading shit about Bella or even knowing anything.

I dropped Bella home with Alice on the Friday night to grab Bella's things and then drove to Rose's, mine and Alice's bags already packed and in the boot of the Volvo.

Jasper and Emmett had taken a lift with Rose back to hers and were already sifting through fucking immense stacks of movies to watch. Rose was busy in the kitchen making snacks, which Alice skipped off to help with, taking Bella by the hand so that she followed post haste. Emmett and Jasper were arguing over which movie would freak the girls out more, Emmett even goofily suggesting that he drove back to his to find some porn.

I rolled my eyes and watched as they sorted through the DVD's and tried to control my laughter every time that Jasper would pick up a chick-flick and claim to have seen it, even knowing the character names and the storylines.

A part of me craved to be in the fucking kitchen instead of experiencing the shameful shit that was cropping up whilst sorting through movies. The girls were probably talking about much more decent shit than those two oafs.

**BPOV**

Rose was busy in the kitchen, sorting out some pizza for us all to eat whilst we watched a movie and preparing some salad and snacks for later. The kitchen was bright and organised, stylish amongst other things and they had a large stove in the far corner where some pasta was boiling.

Alice was sent to make the sauce for the pasta whilst I was set the job of collecting plates and cutlery along with finishing the making of the salad whilst Rose dealt with the pizza and pasta.

"So what's the deal with you and Emmett now then?" Alice asked quietly so not to be heard by the guys in the movie room, even though the room was far away enough down the hall that we would have to shout to get their attention.

"Just friends again I think," Rose sighed and dropped the pizza on the side, waving her hands to get over the heat of the cooker. "He was a right bastard before. Excuse my language girls, but he had no right to go and do that after—"

She stopped talking and shook her head, leaning on the surface and looking out the window as she chuckled a little.

"Girls, take it from me, sometimes the man candy aren't all they are cracked up to be."

Alice sighed in sympathy for her best friend. "They are rubbish at picking clothes too."

I giggled at the fact Alice was bringing up clothes during this conversation. Rose merely rolled her eyes and winked at me before arranging some of the bowls of snacks onto trays for us to take through to the kitchen.

"You should have seen the shirt Jasper bought for me last weekend when—"

It was Alice's turn to stop her talking now, realising she'd gone off on a tangent that neither Rose nor myself were educated in.

"You what?" Rose gasped, a bite of celery falling from her mouth into the sink which she then scrambled to catch before it drew too much attention and throwing it into the bin.

"_Nothing_," Alice smiled innocently and walked over to where the pasta was with a wooden spoon caked in sauce in her mouth and a bowl of the rest of the sauce in hand, ready to mix the two.

"Alice Cullen, you tell me the gossip now or else I will cut up your best red lace bra!"

Alice gasped dramatically and seemed to be offended as if Rose cutting up a piece of her lingerie was an insult. "You. Wouldn't. Dare!"

"Wanna bet Alice? I most definitely would. The last time I did it was only a warning. I'm a skilled handler of scissors!"

"Okay, Okay!" Alice practically pleaded for Rose to stop. "I'll spill." She raised her hands in surrender and threw the wooden spoon into the sink, grabbing a clean one from the draining board for the pasta and sauce to be mixed. "Jasper invited me out last weekend to go shopping."

"He didn't know what he was getting himself into," I smiled, earning a high five from Rosalie.

"_Anyway_," Alice tapped her foot impatiently. "It was no big deal. We simply went to Port Angeles for lunch and ended up going shopping afterwards. We had spare time and Jasper decided to buy me this beautiful shirt that I fell in love with but would never buy. He thought I wouldn't buy it because it was too expensive, so went and bought it for me. Whereas, _actually_ I didn't want to buy it because I had no other clothes to go with it and my mom has put me on a strict shopping budget."

"Alice, why didn't you tell me before?" Rose gaped.

"Like I said – no big deal." Alice shrugged, "I still want to know what the deal is with you and Emmett."

"Oh come on, surely the gossip of Bella and Edward is juicier!"

When I heard Rose said that, I accidentally dropped the knife I was using to cut up celery. Luckily it did no damage to me physically, but it drew more attention than I would've liked. I panicked, fumbling about for the knife to continue cutting the celery as if Rose had never spoken, but they were both too observant.

"What is going on then Bella?" Rose smiled and generally filled with curiosity.

"Nothing," I shrugged in my best not bothered manner, trying to come across as if what she had said hadn't triggered off anything in my mind.

"So there's nothing between you and Cullen?" She asked and I shook my head, because it was true. Edward and I were friends, nothing more. "Nothing at all?" Again I shook my head. "Even a smidgen?" I shook again. "Does he feel anything for you?" I shook my head again; I doubted that one.

I dumped the cut up celery onto the dish of assorted raw vegetables.

"So, there's absolutely nothing at all between Cullen?" She started again. I shook my head strongly, the motion coming as a natural response to her questioning. "And you wouldn't turn him down?" I shook my head again.

But then realised what I'd said no to. My eyes widened as I looked up to a smirking Rose who was chewing on a stick of celery.

"Wait, that's not…you…you tricked me!" I said dumbfounded. She'd actually fooled me into saying that I wouldn't turn Edward down. I felt stupid and I could feel myself blushing.

"So you are saying you _would_ turn him down?" Rose questioned.

I felt bad, because Edward was a nice guy. He was handsome, funny, smart and sweet, besides his darker, potty mouth, smoking side he was an alright guy no matter what Charlie said about him. I had never really thought if I'd turn him down. The question threw me, I didn't know what to say, because what if he found out and then was offended.

"I'm not saying I would…I just—"

"And hey presto there is your answer. Bella wouldn't turn Edward down."

Alice laughed even more and skipped over to me. "Bella, don't look so panicked," she smiled, "Rose is only messing with you."

Rose smiled playfully and set back to arranging the food and dishes, unknowing of Alice's little scheming plans. She wiggled her eyes at me and then turned to face Rose.

"So," Alice chimed. "What's the deal with Emmett?"

Rosalie sighed in defeat. It seemed no matter stories were shared and what questions were answered, Alice wouldn't forget a huge opportunity for gossip about her best friend's love life. She walked over to the small table opposite the stove, Alice and I following to take up two of the other seats, both eager to know about the Emmett and Rose situation.

"The night before he decided to lick that dogs face in the parking lot," her fists clenched and unclenched, "He had a free house for the night and well, things started to progress as the evening went on and well you know…" Alice and I sat with our mouths wide open in shock at what we were hearing. "But we didn't go all the way!" She reassured us, looking panicked at what we were thinking. "He went and told me that he loved me and all that mushy stuff and like a fool, I believed him. Then he went and did that in the parking lot the next day for no reason, probably to just get me back for not wanting to go all the way."

Alice immediately stood and hugged her friend, reassuring her that she'd done the right thing and that he should wait for her too if she didn't want to rush. I sat awkwardly at the table watching the hug until Alice returned to her seat, looking eager to ask something. Rose seemed to notice too.

"Go on then, ask away," Rose sighed.

"How was it?" Alice squealed in the best quiet tone she could.

Rose emotions went from upset to excitement in a matter of moments, grinning at Alice. "It was _amazing_. Seriously Alice, it's worth waiting for, and you Bella."

"So how come you didn't go all the way?" Alice pouted, obviously more comfortable with the topic than me. I felt completely embarrassed by it.

"I was scared," Rose whispered. "He's big, you know?"

"Whoa! Too much information Rose," Alice laughed.

"You know what I mean. And just in case you didn't, I meant his height and figure," Rose rolled her eyes and went back over to the trays, picking two up. "Come on, we have movies to watch."

Alice and I got up from the seats, both giggling slightly, and took two trays each, mine with cutlery, plates and drinks on, Alice's with more food and snacks.

The boys were all waiting in the other room.

**EPOV**

The girls eventually showed up with the food, setting it down on the coffee table before running back out to go and get changed into pyjamas. They told us to get changed quickly in the movie room and that they wouldn't walk in on us if we were quick.

Like fucking lightening Jasper, Emmet and I changed from clothes to our boxers and shirts, the usual form of pyjamas for our gender. I didn't like the fucking clingy material trousers and button up fluffy shirt and neither did Jasper or Emmett. I liked the button up casual day shirt with my boxers to wear when I was at other peoples houses. Of course back at home I would fucking parade around before bed and when I woke in just boxers. I didn't care at home, that was my territory.

Whilst waiting for the girls to change we each claimed a sofa and grabbed a quilt, getting comfy whilst Jasper idly skipped through channels, his mind not really on the screen.

"I bet they are going to fucking pull another trick on us like last time," Emmett mumbled, picking up a handful of crisps and tossing them into his mouth, crunching away as he watched Jaspers channel selections flitter by on the screen.

"Oh, do you remember last time," Jasper laughed, smiling wildly.

"Don't even go there," I mumbled, not wanting the thought to ruin me like it so easily had before. I was jacking off on the image for fucking weeks afterwards.

It was back when a few other girls hung out with Alice and Rosalie. They were hot, like fucking sexy, voluptuous, and amazingly hot. They all decided to pull a prank, including Alice, but I just refused to look at her – that would be so wrong. They all only wore scantily fit bras and panties and decided to fucking casually sit in the movie room with us, sitting through a whole movie which included nudity and sex scenes, never once did any of them flinch, but fucking hell did Emmett, Jasper and I have a hard time controlling ourselves. I remember wanting to tackle one of the girls, my girlfriend at the time, Tanya, to the fucking floor.

I tried to discard the image and keep cool. It was fine, everything was just a normal day and I wouldn't even dare look at Alice or Rosalie in the way I had looked at Tanya. Bella was a definite no too. That shit was just fucked up. We were friends.

Thankfully for mine and the guys own fucking levels of shame, the girls all returned in cute pyjamas. None of them were wearing anything revealing. Each of their pairs of pyjamas had a different print and pattern on which was completely innocent and far away from anything jack off worthy. I thanked my lucky stars and managed to relax back into the sofa.

Alice, without much thought, ran fucking straight at Jasper's sofa then blushing with her eyes bugging fucking wide. Jasper simply laughed and saved her the embarrassment by saying, "Well, who would want to spend a movie night with a grizzly bear or their own brother?"

It was so fucking obvious that there was something between them, even if they didn't want to admit it.

Alice giggled and Emmett responded with throwing a few crisps which earned him a firm telling off and playful slap from Rosalie, who then sat down on Emmett's sofa, leaving me with Bella. _Shit_. The floor started to look like a better alternative for sleeping arrangements now.

She looked at me guiltily as if it were her fault, far fucking from it. I hadn't thought the situation and consequences through.

I smiled reassuringly anyway, she had nowhere else to go sit and to be fucking awkward about it would do nothing for my alibi, or hers. I moved up and allowed her to sit on the other sofa cushion, pulling a blanket from the floor onto her lap and curling up in a ball.

"Oh come on guys, we haven't even started the movie and we are all snoozing. What the fuck?" Jasper rolled his eyes.

Alice was sat on the floor now in front of the sofa, picking at a piece of pizza. Emmett was eyeing the food like a fucking naughty kid that had been disallowed to eat the treats that the rest of his friends were eating. Rosalie was still scolding him for throwing food and standing in a power stand in the way of him getting to the table, telling him off for being so wasteful.

"Come on Bella," Alice smiled chirpily from the floor, her legs crossed. "Have something to eat!"

"I'm fine," Bella replied weakly.

"Okay," Alice smiled and swayed from side to side happily eating her pizza whilst waiting for Jasper to set up a movie.

It was a bit of a fucking change in mood since earlier for Bella. Earlier we'd made progress and got to the bottom of remembering what her old high school was called, a fact she had been stressfully pondering over for the past few days. Now she was acting as if she'd just come down from a freak out – distant.

I wanted to talk to her, ask her if she was okay and all that shit, because when she was in that mood the wants and ways to deal with things came naturally to me. But I couldn't help her here, not in front of friends. She'd never tell me anyway when there was an audience. So I left it, hoping that she was okay.

By the third movie she had thankfully chirped up, still laughing from the movie before while Alice was sorting the next movie, a horror that Jasper had picked out. He was so fucking pleased with himself that he'd been able to choose a film and that my sister was sat with him. I didn't fucking miss the few strokes of his hand in her hair whilst Alice leant against the sofa where Jasper was lying.

Bella had joined Alice on the floor with Rosalie for the first movie, leaving me to sprawl out upon the sofa, but whilst the opening titles were rolling by, there was a whispering from in the room and suddenly Bella was by the sofa.

"Can I come back here?" She whispered quietly and I nodded, sitting up so that she could have the other cushion and there would be enough safe distance between us.

The lights in the room were turned off, leaving us in darkness, so I couldn't see Bella's face or reactions. Nobody was talking due to the fucking tense build up to the horror movie that was on the screen and the fact that if we did speak one fucking word, even in whisper, Rosalie would rip the shit out of us.

The feather light feeling of skin on my hand was a little surprise during the first half of the movie, making me flinch a little until it clicked that it was only Bella's fucking adorable little hand. The warmth was welcoming and I gladly let her slowly place her whole hand into mine, not gripping too tight and not acting as if she wasn't there or any shit either, just allowing her enough space to move away whenever she wanted. I didn't want to fucking scare her. Yet she gripped a little tighter sometimes, just playing on her boundaries and probably making herself feel utterly fucking proud that she could do that with me when a few weeks back she would've been halfway home already and screaming like a fucking banshee.

It was during the last hour of the movie that all hell let loose. Alice was hiding under the quilt on the sofa next to Jasper, who laughed at her fear of the image on the screen, whilst Rosalie used the whole fucking opportunity to cower into Emmett. I rolled my eyes to myself, because I knew that unlike a lot of girls Rosalie wasn't freaked out by horror movies, and tried to focus on the screen and the warmth in my hand from Bella's own.

Unexpectedly, Bella's hand was immediately pulled out of mine and I took my eyes off the screen to look over at her, the occasional flashes of light from the screen lighting up Bella every so often so I could see what was going on. She was holding her hand to her chest fucking tight and breathing heavily, looking frantic with tears on her cheeks, but never taking her eyes off of the screen.

"Bella?" I whispered. "Bella?"

"Edward, for heavens sake shut up!" Rosalie shouted from across the room.

I ignored her, not really caring about her and her stupid fucking horror film or her stupid fucking excuse to get closer to being in Emmett's pants. None of it fucking mattered, because Bella was upset and I wasn't going to let her fucking suffer just because Rosalie wanted silence.

"Bella?" I asked again, being careful not to get too close or move my hands. I knew that both of those factors could be quite daunting for her, it would only make her worse.

She was shaking, fucking shaking like we were in the arctic, but still her eyes stayed closely glued to the screen, watching the fucking horror movie that was making her get like this.

"Bella?" I spoke a little more urgently this time, trying to get through to her, earning another comment from Rosalie and a bit of complaint from the guys about how it was the best part in the movie and I was ruining it.

I looked over and saw Alice was staring straight over at me, her eyes wide as we made eye contact. She was beginning to understand that there was something wrong, but not about me, about Bella.

Then suddenly, Bella just fucking screamed.

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**A/N: So there we have it. I don't know when the next update will be, but I'll try to be more frequent than in the past. I'd love to know what you guys think of this chapter.**

**Anyway, thanks to all you out there have been following the story so far and reviewing, hugs and holding hands for all them and I salute all of you people that have just checked the story out or are about to click that little review button. ;)**


	9. Idle

**A/N: A HUGE thank you to all the reviews. You readers rule my little world.**

**Yeah, I completely sucked at the fast updating thing. I don't know, maybe it's just not in my armour. I apologise! But, in good news, this chapter is here and the next is on its way. It is just being finished up and edited. I will upload the next during the course of the weekend. I felt I owed you guys that much, if not a little more.**

**I hope you like this one! Thanks to the awesome people that reviewed even though they haven't got an account!**

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**EPOV**

The little hand in mine was warm, like a little candle, a little fucking glow after a raging fire, just enough to keep you at a good temperature, but not too hot to make you sweat. It was nice in comparison to the cold surface on my cheek, that had fucking stung when I first laid my cheek there. I wasn't certain if my cheek had moulded into the wood, it fucking felt like it. And my arm ached a little fucking too much for me to tolerate usually, but circumstances were different now, and I wasn't going to let go of this little warm hand, because there was too much hope in that hold, too much progress.

I watched peacefully as I listened to the clock hands tick by on the kitchen wall. I'd breathe in for three seconds and then exhale for four, counting as I watched the site before me – The fucking adorable little site that I was holding onto the hand of.

She was so peaceful, my little Bella, glowing like a little flame in the dark kitchen. Blue light from the night outside glowed in through the window and casted shadows around us that looked like some freak shit from a movie, but I couldn't turn the light on. I didn't want to risk waking her up.

I couldn't hear any noise from the room where the others were, I guessed that they'd turned the volume down so it couldn't be heard in the kitchen where Bella and I were. At least, Alice would've. She was caring and all that shit, she wouldn't want any more upset for the night. We'd had too much of that kind of shit already. I'd told them all to keep out of the kitchen, told them it was none of their fucking business.

Of course, they all knew something was wrong, knew that there was something up with Bella, something that wasn't fucking normal. But who were they to call things normal. They were all fucked up in some way or another, no persons fucking perfect. I could just imagine them all in there right now, gossiping or trying to pick out the problems with Bella, my little Bella – my little glowing warmth.

It wasn't like I'd tell them anyway; they wouldn't get their shitty gossip fix from me. Bella was the one that mattered here and I knew she'd be horrified if I told them all of what I knew. It was out of the question, a way too fucked up move to make. Yet, I couldn't be sure if Bella herself would tell them in the end, she was bound to be embarrassed and panicked about what they knew as it is. I doubted telling them would make anything better. Alice could be trusted. I knew that, I could trust her with my whole fucking life. The others I couldn't be too sure of.

She stirred a little, just after two in the morning, her shoulders rising a little faster than from her last breath and her hand giving a little twitch in mine. Luckily it came and went though, I wouldn't want a nightmare thrown into tonight's concoction of disaster. That's one of the reasons I was there, in the kitchen, watching her as if at any minute she'd just disappear. I didn't want her to sleep badly tonight and knew that sleeping in the other room with Alice, Emmett, Jasper and Rose was out of the fucking question. If she accidentally freaked in the middle of the night because one of us looked like a duvet monster I'd never forgive myself.

But, sleeping leant over the table with her face against where her arm was rested upon the table and her free hand in mine wasn't exactly the best fucking sleep option. I could imagine the immense numbness she'd have when she woke. Really, I should've fucking asked Rosalie to let her sleep upstairs or something, but I didn't want to wake her, or leave her to ask Rose, or bring any more attention to the situation in fact. I'd told them all to stay away from the kitchen already, told them that I'd fucking sort it, because I knew was I was doing. They'd probably only cause more shit.

It had been a bit of drama for a movie night that was for sure. Bella had just fucking freaked. I don't know why, but I could make a decent guess. It had something to do with the fucked up film we were watching. I couldn't even remember what was happening on the screen at the time she freaked. All my memories really possessed were the images of Bella, crippling away into the sofa as she continued to scream, her tears making the skin around her eyes look fucking raw as she refused to let anybody touch her, even me.

It was a stupid thing to be pissed off by. So what, she hadn't let anybody fucking touch her or try to help her, but I'd thought Bella and I had this connection that we were working on, we were getting better. She'd let me help her before. I just tried to tell myself that it wasn't my fault this time. I hoped it wasn't.

Rose was freaking out, grabbing her hair and looking close to tears, waving her phone at me and threatening to phone 911 or her parents every time Bella belted out another scream. Emmett looked pretty scared of the situation, his eyes fixed on Bella as if she was a fucking mutant. But he tried to calm Rose down, pulling her into one of his bear hugs and hiding her face from Bella's twisted, screaming form.

Alice was another matter, crying as she knelt by the sofa. Her hand would constantly move to hold Bella's, trying to hold Bella down, trying to comfort her. She had good intentions, but that shit wasn't fucking helping and I think Jasper realised that. He stood quietly at first, watching distantly, but then made a move to get Alice away from Bella.

He led Alice over to the sofa where his duvet was and sat her down, comforting her and trying not to cause anymore hysteria in the room. He told her to let me deal with it, that I knew what was going on. I thanked him with just a solitary look, hoping that he understood how grateful I was for allowing that. Because I knew what was going on and I think they'd all mostly come to terms with that now. About fucking time too. Because I was the only one in the room who hadn't at first been trying to touch Bella or shout at her. I sat calmly, trying to get the others to calm down too so I could probe Bella out from the little shitty dark web she was caught up in.

"Bella?" I'd whispered calmly, carefully, quietly. Only she could hear it, I was sure.

She had stopped her screaming by now, just breathing heavily and hugging tightly to her blanket, hiding her face from everyone. But she was still shaking a little, probably from the shock of coming back to reality.

"Bella, it's me, Edward." I whispered.

I saw a little flinch from under the blanket.

"You're okay. We're in the living room and the lights on. Nobody is going to hurt you," I told her. "I won't let anyone fucking touch you."

She flinched under the cover at my swearing and I heard Alice telling me off in a whisper. All our friends were watching now, waiting for me to tempt Bella back, the real Bella, the happy Bella that would hold my hand and tell me about when she was younger, about the happy memories. I knew that Bella was there; just hiding behind some kind of fucking shield that wasn't allowing anyone in, even her memories, only ever glimpses would creep through.

"Bella," I whispered again, edging a little closer on the sofa, my legs crossed. "Nobody will hurt you. You are okay."

This time it worked and I saw the cover move a little, four finger tips poking over the side, but not pulling the cover down to reveal her face. She was embarrassed, but why wouldn't she be? She must've thought she looked like a fucking freak and to freak out like that in front of friends wasn't even fucking fair for someone like Bella. None of it was fair.

I managed to get her to walk from where she was on the sofa to the kitchen, sobbing into a blanket as she went. The others had at first followed, but I threatened to fucking kill them if they took a step closer to the kitchen. I'd only wanted to get Bella some water for her throat, which had become hoarse from the screaming and crying, but we ended up sitting at the table.

We were still sat there later, Bella asleep after a few sips of water and thanking me drowsily. She obviously hadn't wanted to discuss it, she'd sobbed out most of the embarrassment whilst I watched, unable to hug her or comfort her, only watch, like a fucking useless dick.

Although, just when I thought it'd be a hell of a long night, she started to calm down from her shaking aftermath and drift slowly in and out of sleep, reaching her hand out across the table hesitantly towards where my hands were resting. She touched one finger to one of mine and then did the same with her other fingers, slowly and steadily taking the whole of my hand into hers until she was holding it, the glowing feeling igniting in my palm and the drowsy happiness helping her to get to sleep.

I didn't want to wake her, but she couldn't sleep forever, especially not against a kitchen table. I would have to try and wake her up without touching anything but her hand. It was more difficult than it sounds.

**BPOV**

The soft feeling of a hand squeeze mine was enough to wake me. It was a little movement, barely enough to be classed as a squeeze, but I felt it, through the haze of the dream I was in. In a way, I did not want the hand to wake me; the touch would only open my eyes to the unpleasant situation I was in. In my dream, things were so much calmer. There was sun, open spaces and laughing, all around. Sprinklers were in the gardens and younger children played under them, trying to dodge the random falling droplets, their summer shorts, shirts and swimming outfits covered in specks of water. The parents and guardians would stand by, watching the show, laughing with the children and enjoying the day of sun whilst gossiping with friends on the veranda. Tree swings were in full use and gardening had become the hobby of the day for adults.

I'd cycle past on my bike, the tinsel strips on the handlebar grips wavering in the wind as I turned corners on the path, ringing my bicycle bell and giggling as I caught up with the young girl just ahead, her bleach blonde hair cropped in a bob, the lengths a little awkward and wonky in some places where I expected her mom had tried to cut it. We'd skid to a stop on the path by a large tree in the centre of someone on the streets front garden, then racing across the grass and up the steps to a front door where we'd knock, giggling and waiting for a response whilst straightening out our cute little summer dresses, both matching but in a different colour.

Yet, I never managed to get any further than that in the dream. I'd always just stop there, at the door, the younger girl next to me, waiting with me. I'd had this dream a few times now, a pointless little series of happiness flowing through my mind like a river, sloshing around and dragging the unhappiness away, just for a night. Then I'd awake and the river bed would be dried out, only the unhappiness left for me to pick up and try to sort again into some kind of order that made sense.

Just when I thought I'd actually get to find out what or who was on the other side of the door, I was awoken once again. Usually I'd wake up myself, as if my body was warning me and putting up a little warning barrier to refuse my dreaming to progress to anything more. This time the barrier hadn't gone up, the door had started to open – progression was made. However, progression of my luck had not.

I drowsily lifted my eyelids, my senses rushing back to me and causing me to have vertigo for a while before I could move again. My blurred vision became acute as I took in my surroundings, a sense of unknowing around me for the first few moments of waking.

The hand in mine was loose again, that belonged to Edward. I had remembered holding it across the table before I had dosed off. The hard surface was making my arm and limbs ache, sleeping whilst lent against a table was not a good idea. I could not remember whether we had spoken or just sat around, my memory was thin, waiting for a reminder to jog the memories. Until then, I worked through things slowly.

I yawned, blinking a few times and then looking up through my lashes to where Edward was – his elbow on the table and chin resting in his palm. He seemed tired, as if he hadn't even had a nap within the last twenty four hours. He gave me a lazy smile and then looked away, worried or hiding something. I tried to search through my memory, desperately for something bad that could have happened, but nothing. I remembered the movies in Rose's house. We had watched a few and I had held his hand under the duvet, secretively and pretty smugly. I remembered the scary film and how nobody spoke through it all, the pure fright that it gave me as I would squeeze a little on Edward's hand, just to remember it wasn't real, just to remember that he was there for me. And then…

_Oh_, then I remembered. That's why we were in Rose's kitchen. That's why Edward looked a bit worried. That's why it was all a bit blurry. I had freaked out… again. But this time it was different. Not a good different. Instead it was a different that was so bad that I wasn't sure I'd be able to talk to my friends anymore. I had completely freaked out in front of them. Completely, the whole screams and cowering away, I could remember vague feelings in my limbs, trying to pull myself inwards, fold my legs into my stomach and hoping to just mould into nothing to hide away. It was much worse than the times before when they had actually seen them. Nobody ever spoke of the freak out incidents much, probably just passing them off as a rare occasion. They were so wrong.

"Did they see?" My voice was hoarse and painful. I needed a drink.

Edward glanced at me for a while, his expression uneasy before he nodded.

I sighed. What else could I expect? Of course they had seen. How could you ignore a girl screaming her lungs off near the end of a horror movie when it wasn't even at the supposed good part yet? It was painful to think of, but the memory of this freak out was suddenly rushing back to me, paranoia of my friend's reactions filling me, because I only remembered seeing Edward there, there was me, the screen of the television and the face and then Edward.

I remembered his voice, breaking through the memories, images, whatever you wanted to call the strange happenings in my head. He sounded frightened, but not for him self or anyone else there, it was for me. There was a slight edge of calm, calm and collected, much more so than the other voices around me. There was panic and screaming back at me as if I were in a horror movie. I had thrown my blanket on my head by now, trying to block out the image as if it were in front of me and not in my mind. I can remember the suffocating heat under the blanket as I cringed from the images.

I could still feel myself shaking, Edward's voice whispering over the screaming in my head. I wondered if I was still screaming, if I was in pain or anything. Surely if I were in pain Edward wouldn't be so calm. At least I hoped.

"You're okay. We're in the living room and the lights on. Nobody is going to hurt you," he told me. "I won't let anyone fucking touch you."

The emphasis of the last words was what brought me back, the strength and knowing of it as he spoke it. And I believed it, I believed it all, but as strong as he had been with his words and as certain of them he was he couldn't change the past and he couldn't stop people from hurting me. I knew too much now, the horror movie had revealed too much in my own mind and I was vulnerable and scared. I hoped Edward could keep to his word for just a little longer, because otherwise I didn't know how I would make it through the rest of the night.

The kitchen table was more than a little uncomfortable under me; the memory of last night was too dense here. I wanted to just forget it, stride back into where the others were and sit down to enjoy another movie, but I could just imagine their talking, the glances my way, the panic that just wouldn't leave me throughout the rest of the night, the deliberate choices of easy going films that they obviously didn't really want to watch. I needed to be somewhere I felt a little safer.

"I don't want to be here anymore," I spoke croakily, wanting Edward to just say something. He hadn't spoke since waking me up.

"You want me to drive you home?" He raised an eyebrow, his voice was a little croaky, but it was obvious that he hadn't been crying.

It must have been early morning. It was still dark and quiet – cold. I sat up a little, untangling a few loose knots from my hair and thinking about the offer. It was dark and Charlie was bound to be questioning if I got back home in the early hours of the morning. So I couldn't go there. Apart from home there wasn't anywhere else _to_ go.

I shook my head, no. Going home was definitely out of the question.

"You want to go back in and watch a movie?" He seemed a little worried about that idea, as if it would affect him too, as if he'd feel just the same amount of discomfort as I.

I shook my head again, no. That was the most preposterous thing. Why would I want to go back in there when they'd only stare and want to ask questions?

He sat in thought for a moment, rubbing his chin and looking up at the ceiling before looking straight at me, thinking about something or other not revealing a thought or emotion, just the fact that he was thinking. Then suddenly something sparked in his eyes as he pushed his chair away from the table, standing up and holding his hand out to me.

"I have an idea," he smiled reassuringly.

I stood up and reached my hand out hesitantly to hold his. I wondered if since my last freak out whether it would go back to the beginning, where I was freaked out by just a simple touch from him. But his tingly skin on mine felt soothing and calming, nothing to panic over at all.

I allowed him to lead, his hand loose in mine, but me never getting skittish over the feeling of domination, of him leading me. I was learning to deal with that and at the time it didn't even affect me once.

He led the way up the darkly lit stairway, the upstairs hallway darkened from where Rose's parents were still out at their friend's house. Rose had mentioned something of a 30th birthday party and them probably not returning until the late hours of early morning. So it was like we had the full reign of the house until their arrival home. Edward seemed to be using that to his own advantage, roaming freely down the hallway – he'd obviously been here before.

There were photos aligning the walls, each holding people smiling and posing, some of a younger Rose, a little chubbier with short hair and stumpy little legs. There was one that really caught my eye of her stood in the sand, waving a red spade in the air triumphantly at her built sandcastle. Another one just along the hall was of Rose and a few other recognisable faces. Rose, Alice, Jasper, Edward and Emmett all smiling at the camera, arms around each other and all dressed in baseball outfits under a banner that read 'Forks High School Charity Baseball Tournament'. They all looked so happy together and triumphant, just like the photo with the spade.

At the end of the hallway Edward pushed open a door that was already slightly ajar, revealing a dark room. I waited on the opposite side of the threshold whilst Edward fumbled around in attempted silence for the light switch, eventually finding a pull lead to turn on a lamp in the corner which managed to illuminate the rest of the room in a warm orange glow, immediately changing the atmosphere from dark and dull to warm and soft.

He led me in and closed the door, turning back to look at my reaction as I looked around. The bookshelves reached from floor to ceiling, some older looking ones with tattered covers and faded writing upon the spines and others were newer looking, as if just purchased and never read. I gaped in wonder at the collection all aligned in alphabetical order and almost bigger than Forks' own library.

"It's pretty cool, huh?" Edward smiled, walking over to a little table where a pile of old books were stacked.

I nodded, speechless.

"She showed me it when I first moved here, when we spoke about liking books. Rose may not seem the type, but she's a sucker for reading. Give her a summer reading book and she's gone for hours," Edward smiled, lifting a book to inspect the cover. "We'd trade books in the first summer I was here."

I liked how it was completely random, completely off topic and irrelevant to previous events. He was telling me just a little about himself, Rose and just showing me something special which he knew would be special to me too. I liked how it was just calming; the whole room had that effect. Edward seemed to be relaxed and easy going, looking through books and just mumbling about little memories. He was never the type that I imagined to like books, maybe even love them?

"It's beautiful," I whispered.

He nodded and placed the book he had been holding onto one of the shelves. "Rose wouldn't mind if you wanted to look around."

"It all seems so secretive, preserved."

"True, but what's the use in preserving things when people can't enjoy them, right?" He picked up another book and examined the inside cover, placing it on another shelf in between two thick, dark, heavy books.

"I guess."

He smiled and sat down on an old looking mat next to a brick fireplace where a small crate of wood lay, waiting to be lit to warm the room in cold winter months. I went and sat a little way away from him, my legs crossed and arms in my lap, him mirroring my actions and facing me, juggling another book awkwardly from palm to palm.

"Dolly and Bear are getting on well it seems," he mumbled, attempting conversation.

"Pardon?" I asked confused. Dolly and bear – had he gone mad?

"Oh, I said that out loud?" He winced, a little embarrassed.

I nodded, laughing a little.

"That's my nicknames for Rose and Emmett," he shook his head. "Nobody else knows that I call them that. Don't tell them?"

"It suits," I smiled, because it was true – it did. Rose was so perfect and pretty and like the kind of dolly a child would beg their parents to buy for them, no matter the price, because she looked expensive and classy. Whereas Emmett was big and bear-like, cuddly like a toy bear yet competitive and built like a grizzly.

"It's a secret though."

"It's safe with me," I smiled, pretending to zip my lips and throw away the key.

It was a little silent after then, a pause in our little tangent that we'd got lost on. It had been nice to just be a little lost in general conversation with him, but the sudden stop created an awkward atmosphere, making me fiddle with the material of my pyjamas. Edward appeared to be concentrating on a thought, his brow creased.

"Bella," Edward spoke quietly and calmly, the book gone from his grip and lying by his side, his hand out a little in front of him, palm up and asking for my own smaller hand to be placed in it.

I conformed, the warmth rushing back to me as I relaxed in the feeling of happiness that was brought to me from a simple holding of hands. I sighed, certain that other people didn't react so absurdly to holding hands, but it just felt special. I gripped it a little tighter, his hand moulding around mine. That was nicer. But there was something in me that wanted more, I wanted to hug him. I wondered how he'd feel about that…

"Bella," Edward whispered again, bringing me out of my little daze to focus on his eyes instead of his hand and the way I could imagine feeling his chest on my cheek. If anyone could read my mind, they'd think I was insane. "An explanation of earlier would be kind of nice?"

_Oh_, earlier. How could I forget it? I scrunched my lips awkwardly, watching Edward's questioning eyes gaze back into mine. I wanted to tell him, but it was complicated, more complicated than the times before. No, I had to tell him. I had to let it out. He wouldn't tell anyone. I could trust him.

I squeezed his hand again, realising how hunched my shoulders had become, letting them drop as I breathed in and out slowly, trying to not let any emotions overwhelm me. I had to tell him the story and I didn't want to muck up or wind into an emotional outburst. I would be grown up about it.

"Okay," I breathed out. "The memory thing I had, well…This time it was different. I—He—"

I could hear myself cracking up already, my throat aching as the words got caught in a web somewhere between my lips and throat. I felt Edward's hands squeeze mine ever so lightly, the feeling sending little currents of happiness through me. Happiness, that's what Edward represented right now and he would still be my little handful of happiness right through the telling of my memory glimpse. He wouldn't let go. And maybe after, just maybe, then we could work on the hugging thing, because I'd like that. His heartbeat in my ear, his chest warm, his toned muscles upon my cheek, his arms around me in a little protective shell – it was all so warm and I craved for it.

I shook my head, first things first. I breathed in again, blinking away the tears from my wobbly eyes.

"Its okay, Bella." Edward whispered soothingly.

I nodded to reassure him that I was fine; biting my lip as I aligned the words I wanted to say in my head. Through panic, complete shock of the memory and a little twinge of something else rushing back to me as it all registered, I managed to speak a deformed version of what I had planned to say, leaving some parts out. "He was there, Edward. In an alley, it was dark. He—He broke my arm. I—"

* * *

**A/N: Of all the ways to leave you after such a failed attempt at updating. I apologise again, but more is coming very soon. And yes, we may just find out some juicy information on the man haunting Bella...**

**Reviews make me grin like a Cheshire cat.**


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